September 22, 2004

• 
  

  Today I was thinking about how life goes on, like a river, it just keeps going, finding new paths if need arises, always changing.......carrying some things away, bringing new.

  
  

  I think about how my life has changed these past 2 years.......when my husband died, I stood upon a precipice........a huge black hole had opened up right in front of me, a chasm, and I was too paralyzed to step into it;  or to step away from it........ just looked over the edge into the darkness, reminding my body to breathe in, breathe out.  That in itself was painful enough.

  
  

  So much of who I was died with him. Bob died = Bob's wife no longer existed either.  People seem to think widows have lots of free time.  Bullshit.  I had twice the work and half the staff!  Insurance agent died = other partner had to come out of old work habits and start doing it ALL.  No wonder I got ulcers.....I felt very sorry for myself, for him, for our kids, for what I had lost.

  
  

  Then there's my friend, Katie.  In one moment, a truck came by and took away her husband, her 2 year old daughter, even her dog.  In one moment, Katie was left completely alone at 32 years old.  It's been a little over a year, now. 

  
  

  I still had my children and my dog, yet I felt if I turned sideways, I would disappear.......that black hole yawned in front of me, "What the hell do I do now?"

  
  

  I watched Katie like a hawk, how did she go on breathing?  How did she not turn to vapor?  Behind her eyes was this vast emptiness.  I had lost my spouse, and was drowning, she lost Everything!  I could not begin to fathom. 

  
  

  She said her daughter, Olivia, was wearing panties instead of diapers for the very first day, and was so proud of herself!  Katies last memory before the accident - she is turned around, looking over the seat, telling Olivia what a "big girl" she is, how she's going to get a treat after pre-school.........she doesn't see the truck coming, only hears her husband's yelp as he tries to avoid the accident.  30 seconds sooner or later would have made all the difference, something she will always contemplate.

  
  

  Katie has decided to move away, sold the house they had worked on together........... it's his family up here, and although she loves them, it's still his family......... hers is down in the San Fransisco area.  She's decided to go live with her brother and his family.  How to start again?  I sent her flowers on her last day of work. What else was there to do?

  
  

  Katie, you'll never know what an example you've been to me.  Your course in the river was changed so drastically...... I hope someday you can find some peace,.........find a way to live again, even a tiny bit.

  • 2:41 am
  • 11 Comments