October 26, 2004
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Where did this Life go?
Like a window, permanently shut. I come by often, and pull the curtains back,....... peer through the window, see what was,.... what is gone forever. That woman that was me, wife, mother, all-American happy family woman. She's over there, on the other side of the glass. She's not me anymore. I ache for these people, I see them through the glass, but I can no longer touch them, feel them, hear them. I study them as through a microscope. What did you think, woman that was me? Did you think it would last forever?
He died, without so much as a "Goodbye", he left me alone in this physical world. The next week, my daughter turned 18, my son quickly followed. Yes, they are still here, but not in the same way. Like planets knocked out of our orbits, we careen around each other, trying to avoid collision. Being with me reminds them that he's missing, they cant pretend.
Yes, they need me in times of trouble, when they are down or want money, laundry done, car fixed. But they don't need me anymore for things like Monopoly... camping... rides to their friends house...comfort when they're scared...movie buddy, someone to share a joke with. They dont need me to wipe their nose, ground them, make them write Thank You notes, make cupcakes, be a friend. Sometimes I feel so lonely and useless. My life sometimes seems like a black-hole of nothingness. When he left, he took his family with him. He took who we were, and left us stranded, to start again.
Today my sister-in-law asked me if I could remember his laugh........of course I can. She admitted she could not, it's been 20 months, and already he starts to fade, this good man. This makes my throat tight, and my heart pound, and my eyes burn. How dare the world forget?!
Here we are, Christmastime, we don't know he only has two months left to be with us. We visit with one of our old exchange students from Norway....so happy to see him. I'm so glad they got to see each other one last time. My whole life is about to be turned upside-down. I'm only 39.......What would I give? If only, if only............it can make you crazy.
I see them, they are waving to me. Now it seems they are waving "Good-bye"......the river of life has taken them away.
Comments (23)
My dear Shellie
You got to hold the pot of gold...you were able to share to care ---to love and to laugh
You have a memory some will never have
In this dark whirling pool that we call life you had some light....and now you get to experience it once more...
You should never forget...for his memory will stay with you forever.
Thank you for sharing the beauty of you life..this too is most precious
much luv..Dorothea
Oh boy, I now have tears streaming down my cheeks.
I want you to keep thinking of the saying "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
Much love to you and yours.
I can barely see the screen to type. My eyes are so full of tears.
The phrase "Sometimes I feel so lonely and useless" sticks with me. I know that feeling all to well. It also brings to mind several uplifting comments to me that came straight from your fingertips. Let me quote you...
"...just because someone you love passes away, doesnt make them any less a part of your heart and life... hes still mine."
"but if you had to live your life again and an angel warned you before you gave your heart what would happen, that your heart would be broken into a million pieces, .....you'd have still done it, still loved him, even for that short time. You wouldn't have changed a thing....."
"you still have things to do here, as do I, and no matter how much we want to just "cease being" sometimes, there are too many things counting on us, most importantly our children."
"But here we are living, trying to make the best of it. And I firmly believe we can love again, just as our hearts expand for the next child, or a new friend, or a new pet after we have to put one we love dearly to sleep.....they are NOT replaced, our hearts just grow......and grow......and grow, if we only let it happen."
"George and Bob are off learning new things, or growing in different ways, or whatever the hell you do when you die. I firmly believe they can come check on us, hang around us, love us, help us. But we do them no favors when we freeze time, and freeze our hearts, and refuse to continue growing in this life.
So I will continue to live and love and grow, part of that as a memorial to a good man, part of that because I deserve to be happy"
"We'll make it, you and I, we have too much going for us in our own inner stregnths. Forget the flaky parents, pathetic friends, old wounds. We'll be ok. "
Tremendous words of wisdom! Sometimes the "black moods" take over though and we need good friends to "get after" us.
You have gotten after me plenty of times over the last weeks. I needed it so bad. Your kids may not need you in the same way as they use to, but that really doesnt have anything to do with Bob's departure. They are just growing up. Now they need you in other ways and there are other people that need you as well.
I love you sis ~ Hugs ~
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I have no idea what that coding was about at the end of my last comment. I didnt do that! *laughs*
I just wanted to comment on your comment about the address. I am still chuckling. It made me start thinking about how long it would take a turtle to travel from California to Alabama :laugh:
Shellie, he is never far away he is still with you in spirit. You are changing and that can be very scary. I know the feelings of lose I lost a husband to divorce not death and my children are grown and have their own lives now. It took me a while to adjust and see what my new life was but it does happen. Just grieve all you need to and talk about it all you need to for in telling your story you will find the answers and never forget your husband is there with you holding your hand all the way. Love to you, Judi
(((Hugs!)))
In order to miss the pain of loss you would have had to miss the dance. From your description I'm sure it is a dance worth it's weight in gold for every step!
My Dad is gone almost 6 years now - I still go to pick up the phone to call him - to tell him something one of the kids have done - the little one he never met. I found out I was pregnant the day after my Dad passed away- and the little guy is his spitting image!
It is hard Shellie - and I will be keeping you in our thoughts and prayers!
Debi
wow! what a view into your world. i couldn't imagine losing diane, but one never knows when someone sigifigant is going to no longer be there for snuggling and hugs.
so everyone out there make sure to say you love the people you love as often as you can. you know i never say good-bye anymore to anyone i love...i say see you later, have a great day, sleep tight, but never good-bye...seems so final.
he'll always be in your heart and mind forevermore, and that's the best gift anyone could ever give.
Oh gosh, I am so very sorry. I cannot begin to imagine.
I followed your link from Bluesoid's site out of curiosity to see what you might show me about yourself. I like him. He's a good man. And a good net friend.
I'm sitting here crying. Reading this and seeing the pics made me feel like this was my own reality. You're a talented writer. Very evocative. And heartfelt. No wonder Rick is in love with you. How wonderful.
Now I have to go wash my face and let go of the loss you just showed me.
Loss is a hard thing to cope with, especially when you created a life around the existence of someone. And then you're coping with not being the same mommy you used to be too. I think my mother feels that way sometimes. She wishes I was still a little girl so she can fuss over me. And I push her away because I don't like when she fusses.
Take care. Be well.
This brought tears. One of sadness, yet mixed with warmth. This was just so open and honest and pure.
I know the pain fades over time, but it's good you can still remember his laugh.
And your kids will always need you, even if they don't always let you know. Mothers are irriplaceable.
/big hugs
I was reading your post with the pictures. It made me sad. Perhaps not only are you grieving your husband, but it seems you are grieving the loss of your children. Talk to them Shellie, tell them how you feel. Tell them you need them....perhaps they need you too, but just dont show it.
I think if you guys got together and carried the burden of your sadness together, it would be a little easier on you. You dont ever have to forget the memories. You were lucky...some people never know that kind of love and happiness. Some, dont even have family life like that.
You seem like a nice person, and I am genuinely sorry for your loss. I hope soon, you can begin to heal. God bless and take care.
Dorothea
I don't have words to express the feelings you must have. But I do want to say, you have a beautiful family, wonderful home, and great friends... Be strong.
I really sorry.
i thought about giveing everyone 2 votes but that is waaay too mych tallying for me hahaha
Yes ma'am I do know family comes first and I have a feeling a trip to Oregon might be necessary someday. :biggrin: You are the epitomy of a big sis; seeing something that more than likely isnt there *laughs*
I will be sure to give Benjamin your birthday wishes. Dont worry about the pears. He threw about a dozen jars of them in the buggy tonight at Wally World!
BTW, I was reading the other peoples comments up there ^ How true is it what urheartsdesire had to say. "Loss is a hard thing to cope with, especially when you created a life around the existence of someone." Every dream, every plan, every goal... Sometimes I think I should have had a backup plan, but then again I NEVER thought I was going to lose him. *sighs*
Love ya sis ~ Hugs~
pierce it is then! thank you for your vote, god bless america
I tried to comment yesterday and I couldn't get past the tears.
What a handsome man you had. He must have been such a wonderful person from what you've told us thus far.
I can only imagine what you've gone through. I have no wise words as I've not experienced such a loss. Just know that I'm sending love.
By the way, thank you so much for all the kindness you have shown of late. You always say such nice things. Your comments warm my heart and bring tears to my eyes. You are a gem.
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I think your the most awesome person! Beautiful, funny and warm. I can relate to your picture of them waving good bye. My kids like yours are older and grown up. They have lives of their own and I miss them being little and miss that life so much. I know life brings waves of sadness and I only want you to know I am here and would love to spend time with you. :moon:
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When you lose someone who is part of you , its the most devastating blow ..
Only if you have been there can you understand.
I understand . No one can ever replace them , but keep the love that they gave you and try to enjoy something in each and every new day
What a lovely tribute to him that was. Wishing you some measure of comfort.
oh, this is a nice post. and i don't think the magenta hair down there is that bad. she should add some streaks of black and just feel her own punkness for a bit.
i just came from nescafe to say i'd help beat up the green-shit starter. i'm in!!!!
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