November 12, 2004
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Last night my sis-in-law, (don't hold it against me that shes such a lousy poster) my son and my daughter went to see "The Producers" traveling show at the Hult Center here in Eugene. Great show! Too bad they didn't bring Broderick and Lane along, but it was still spectacular. The sets were huge and detailed, large orchestra, lots of dancers, cool costumes.
Very funny show, I would recommend it to anyone.
It helped being there in the middle of that big mess, my eyes and the front of my head were enjoying the spectacle of it all. Only my sub-conscious was reliving "the night". Even in the dark, I knew exactly what time it was, a gift I have (ask Bluesoid).
Ok, right now, I was getting the phone call....
Ok, now I was driving to the basketball court......
The ambulance has taken him away, they insist someone drive my car....
Ok, we got to the hospital about now, idiot driver drives right by, makes wrong turn....what's up???? Hey freaker, dont you know how to drive?
I start screaming, crying, feeling panicky, "Just stop the goddamned car!!!"
Now, I've jumped out of the car at the stoplight,2 blocks away from where I need to be.... and I'm running, running, running to the entrance of the Emergency room.....
About now, they send a nurse out to get me......"Where is he? Take me to him! NOW!"
You get the picture, it's tatooed behind my eyelids, no escaping. They say it takes 3 to 5 years to recover from that kind of shock, ask her, I think it might take longer.
9:15 - now the doctor is saying to the crowd of paramedics and nurses around him: "OK, lets pronounce him" My head reels, I fall down, I vomit. They're talking to me, in some kind of roar, some language I cant understand. They bring in my sweet 16 year old son. NO! NO! I don't want him to see his dad this way!...I try to speak, nothing comes out except this strange groaning sound. Shit, 2 hours ago, they were building a shelf together, 2 hours, an eternity ago, a lifetime ago......
The lady paramedic begins to cry, seeing my son with his father; he's holding his dead hand, sobbing softly.
9:30 INTERMISSION - Thank God! I've had to go stand in the back twice already because of my underlying anxiety, now I call Rick, just to hear his wonderful voice, I'm standing out in the vestibule, listening to my sweetie, smiling, relaxing, another 11th almost over with.
9:40 The last half of the show, hoping I can sit through it, but I end up in the back for about the last 20 minutes of it. Still great, still funny, still grand, still making me laugh.
Marching out to car with kids, "Wasn't it funny when......". Neither one mentions it being the 11th. What are they thinking? How are they doing? Why wont they talk to me about it? Maybe they don't even realize the date, and I don't want to shame them by bringing it up, causing them to feel embarrassed that they are living....... I want them to live.
Comments (17)
How heartwrenching for you. I've not had any expereince even close to this, but I can empathise with your feelings. It's good that you can write it out like this. Perhaps the kids did know , but were afraid to mention it to you, wanting to protect you from such pain. Take care dearheart.~K.K.
what you just experienced showed you growth as a human, and a mom.I think sometimes when we think we are doing bad...we are really growing spiritually...I love that you let them greive how they see fit shellie...
They shall never ever forget...just as you won't
I travelled back once more this day myself..
it was my day to do such..thanks for your energy and your sincere well wishes ((((HUGS))))
dOROTHEA
Yes, perhaps they did know Shell. Maybe they were doing the same thing as you. Holding it inside, and pretending that all was right in the world.
I'm sorry that you have to go through this. Your site brings me a lot of smiles. You dont deserve this sorrow. But I suppose that is how life is. Bad things happen to good people.
I hope that writing these posts helps you in some very small way. I remember when my father died, even the smallest thing I could latch onto would help in some way - and at the same time none of it seemed even remotely real.
I hope that things beyond the painful part are becoming real for you again. The photos you post here make me think they might be.
I know how much it hurts at times and I hate that you have to feel that pain. People who have never been through it have no clue. I wouldnt wish it on anyone I dont care for let alone my sweet sis. I am not sure who "they" are or where they came up with 3-5 years to recover. Thirteen years later and it still feels like yesterday.
This has been an exceptionally hard year as a matter of fact. That is why I am so thankful for Xanga and so thankful for you. Your words have pulled me through many bad days. I hope that in some small way I might return that favor.
I am glad that you spent the time with your kids even if you didnt talk about it. They knew what day it was and it was just as important for them to be with you on that day as it was for you to be with them. You once said that you felt like they didnt need you anymore. I hope you realize now just how wrong that is.
I am also so thankful that you have that sweet man in your life. It is important to have a pillar of strength in times when you have to be "the strong mom" but at the same time all you want to do is roll up in a ball, by yourself, and cry.
~Much Love and Hugs
I am not the best at comforting things... but I am sorry... Thanks for posting on my Xanga btw ><
-Grimmy
It often takes great courage to keep going .
There are many many people around you who love you and need you .
Live every day to the full
I've definitely heard good things about The Producers...some day I'll see it when it comes through town next.
I have never been through what you've been through and have no way of saying I know how you feel, but know that working at the hospital I hear when they call for the emergency team to come to the ER for seriously in trouble patients, and know that someone, somewhere nearby is greiving for their loved one and I can't lift a finger to help them. So wonderful you have such a loving family; dont forget they're there for you, too. Hope things are going well today!
This had me in tears. I can only imagine the pain. I think you're very brave and very strong.
I can't even imagine your pain. I have no words that would be of any benefit.
Know that you are and will be in my thoughts.
Hugs hugs hugs and so much love coming towards you. I cannot imagine. Thinking about you and wishing you peace.
Once I was talking with an older lady at a nursing home. I will never forget our conversation that day. She said, "I've been alive so long, I've lost my parents, I've lost my siblings, I've lost my spouse, but the hardest of all, was burying my own children." That's stuck with me, I am glad you have other kids to love. I'm sorry for your loss, and hope your journal entries help to vent a little. Sending hugs
Hun... I can not even begin to imagine your pain and loss. You have been so wonderful in supporting me and I..... I am at a loss for words to ease your pain. Know that you are loved and I will send healing light your way... ((((((((((((((hugs!))))))))))))))))
BTW - Nathan's been ill and hasn't been able to perform... so sad - just love him! (I used to go to New York constantly - I'm a theatre buff but can't afford it now.)
I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you, it really does. I can't even begin to imagine what that must have been like for you.
It was five years ago on the 12th that I lost my mom. I remembered, I cried buckets, and I was a basket case all day, but I didn't call my dad. Now, after reading this, I'm thinking that perhaps I should have.
yeah that's it! i wanna go to wal mart! lol j/k
hope you're enjoying our semi-overcast day today. lol
i told Ben about your last posting ..I explained how i have been touched by all of your entries..I know you will heal in your own way and in your own time and so will your children and none of you will forget..why should you? Greive and remember and heal in your own way, on your own terms.
I think you are one hell of a strong lady....stay well!
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