January 4, 2005

• Went last night and saw "Finding Neverland", can you ever have too much Johnny Depp?  I didn't think so.  Saw a preview for the new Choclate Factory, and Bluesoid said he would like to see it, so more Depp coming up! Yay!

  
  

  After seeing "Finding Neverland" and "Lemony Snicket" a week apart, I really need to focus on going to movies without death for a bit.  Both of these movies are about children losing their parents, and I see shadows of my children's faces in the faces of the young actors.  I'm torn between yelling at the screen to stop acting what you can't begin to imagine, and running off to find my kids and make sure they are OK.  I remember those haunted looks.

  
  

  I remember my son asking "Why did he have to die?" and my answer was the same as Johnny's in Finding Neverland - "I don't know."  Shitty answer at best, but the only truth.

  
  

  

  
  

  I have a problem sometimes being patient with people who don't want to be patient with my kids grief work.  Does that make sense?  If you didn't lose someone so close to you, you have no business judging.  Who the hell are you to say they should be getting over it, or I'm being too easy on them, or coddling them too much.  If a parent you adored didn't die when you were a teenager, how can you know how they feel, or how long it takes to heal?  I didn't lose mine......I have no idea how they feel, and I cant judge.  I only know how hard it is to lose a spouse after 20 years, and its terribly hard, but is it as hard as losing your father for the rest of your life?  He's not going to be at your graduations, he's never going to play with your children, you're not going to be able to call him when you need an extra hundred bucks, etc., etc.  What a huge hole.

  
  

  Parents and children are not "replaceable".  My husband is not replaceable either, as the person he was, but I am able to move on and find companionship, a friend, a lover, someone to live with and dream with.  But my kids...........they are fatherless for the rest of their lives.  No one can fill the hole in thier hearts that he left, they will think of him thousands of times, everytime he's not at something he should have been at, everytime someone else is wearing his after-shave, everytime they see someone built like him at the mall, or hear someone laugh kind of like he did.  Or when their own sons do or say things that remind them so much of a man dead these many years..........no, the road my children travel is long and painful, so very painful.  I will do all that is in my power to help them come out of this mentally healthy, and unless you have compassion, only compassion, for them, then keep your opinions to yourself.

  
  

  No, no one in my life is doing this, I'm just talking in generalities.  Sometimes things that people say flippantly, or without thinking, or just filling the air with sound, cut very deeply into wounds that they dont even know are there.  Like how Johnny Depp did in "Finding Neverland" when he was pretending with the young boy and said he would be like a father to him.  The boy took him literally, and said that he would never replace his father and stopped playing with him.  He didn't mean for the world to take the childs pain lightly, he just didn't know that would affect him the way it did.

  
  

  

  
  

  My kids were moody and stand-offish during the holidays, and I gave them plenty of room.  I tried not to critisize, and was thankful for every time they let me "hang out" with them.  They pitched in together and bought me a beautiful garnet and diamond bracelet.  They worried about how I was handling the Holidays, I worried about them.  I guess that's love! Ha!

  
  

  To the one or two of you that read this whole thing, thanks for letting me vent.  Just one of those days, after a night of dreaming.

  
  

   

  • 12:41 pm
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