March 21, 2005

• The Day He would've been 49.........

  
  

  

  
  

  

  
  

  

  
  

  These are the last photos ever taken of him, 11 days before he died.
  He had flown down to Palm Springs to visit his parents for the weekend.
  He and his dad went to the Bob Hope Golf Classic, and he had a wonderful time.
  He sent these photos to me.............by Fed Ex.
  Just to rub it in, that he was in the sunshine, in the swimming pool, in January, and I was at work, in cold and rainy Oregon.
  He called me on the phone, I could hear the chuckle in his voice, had I recieved any "important mail" that day?........"Who's sending me old man porno?" I asked him..........He pretended to be offended, and I scolded him for wasting 15 bucks on Fed Ex, the smart ass. But he thought it was worth it.............and now, I do, too.  Because I can't help but smile when I think of him, giggling in his devious little way, as he puts the Polaroids in the envelope. Sending them to the woman he most loves to torture...

  
  

  Today he would be 49 years old.  I wish his birth-day and his death-day weren't so close to each other.  Death-day, Valentines Day, daughters birthday, my birthday, and now his birthday, all in 6 weeks time.  I am mentally drained and exhausted by the anxiety.

  
  

  I wear those sunglasses, now.  I had his lenses taken out and my prescription put in.  I've worn them the last two years.
  The lenses are packed away up in the attic.......with his toothbrush.......his shoe polish.......the swim-shorts in the photos, his life, his most prized possessions...........

  
  

  The life of a man, a very good man, packed away in boxes, up in some attic.  Things that were important to him, or are attached to him in my mind, like the frog toilet seat cover that he got blood on when he cut his foot.  I was annoyed at him, "Don't you know I'll never get that blood out of the frog?"  "I was bleeding, for chrissakes!"  Now I thank the Universe for those brown spots on the frog......the ones that wouldn't come out when I washed it....the small things.

  
  

  Is that what it comes to?  When all is said and done,...a pretty pewter urn up on the mantle, his name engraved on the bottom......  The big heart, great life, wonderful love..............all compressed into about a quart of ashes?  That's it?

  
  

  I remember when the funeral guy gave him to me.....I unscrewed the top, and stuck my finger down into the ashes, swirled it around a bit.....so this is how he feels now....  The man I lay next to 4 days ago?  That I cooked for, laughed with, dreamed with. Loved with every fibre of my being..........this is all that's left??.............So surreal..... I'm holding a container of my husband.............

  
  

  Funny, I never once, in 20 years looked at him and thought "My........He'll make such a nice decorative piece up on the mantle someday".  I never thought I would have to dust him.....dust him with my feather duster...... just never really thought about it.

  
  

  Wherever you are, my dear, dear Bobbers,.... know that we're thinking of you today, the day you should have turned 49, and we're sending you our love, .......til we see you again.

  • 11:44 pm
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