August 10, 2005

• She’s standing in a slightly familiar bedroom, seems she’s been here before, but not in years. “Where is that old comforter?”, she asks herself, looking at the bed.

  
  

  She glances around, and realizes she is not in the room alone, the Lost Man is there with her.  A sudden rush of exhilaration almost makes her faint………it’s been so long, so very, very long, since she saw him last.  She thought she would never see him again.  She tries to reach out and hug him, but her arms won’t listen to her brain, the Lost Man smiles at her softly…….her heart aches so bad to see him, she has so much to say, but she’s so confused…..where did he come from?  Where has he been?

  
  

  She hears a small sob behind her, and turns to see her children, sitting on the edge of the bed.  They look younger, and so sad, so wounded……..she feels a stabbing pang of guilt, and then the guilt becomes almost strangling as she hears someone talking in the next room……..”Oh my god!”…….it’s the New Man in there……..she recognizes the deep growly voice that she loves so much.  Her head explodes inside, her temples pound…….how does she explain the New Man to the Lost Man?

  
  

  
  She turns to face the Lost Man, who still wears that sweet smile, she looks at the clothes he is wearing, the way he is leaning up against the dresser, trying to drink in every inch of him, moving in close to smell him………..ahhhhh, it’s been so long…..but she remembers that smell.  “I’ve missed you so much!  Why did you go away?  We’ve been missing you so bad!”, all the words come out in a jumble, and again, she wills her hands to reach out and touch him, but they are disobedient, invisible to her.  She struggles against this confusion.  She needs to hear his voice, she needs him to hold out his hand, to touch her face…………still, he only smiles, a knowing look on his face.  He seems calm, almost serene.  How can he be this way when she is in such a panic?  Doesn’t he know whats been going on?  Doesn’t the Lost Man know about the New Man?  How is she going to tell him…….how is she going to keep them both, she loves them both so much, now that the Lost Man is back, she can’t let go of him again………! She feels torn, no; shredded into pieces, every molecule in her body is on fire……

  
  

  Her mind is like a tornado, and she gulps in great blasts of air, trying so hard not to sob, trying to squash down her panic, trying to think of a sane way to explain to the Lost Man that everything will be OK.  She hears the New Man talking again, and she wants to run to him, to tell him not to be angry, to try to get him to understand………but she stands frozen in front of the Lost Man instead, and her tears finally cannot be held back any longer.  “Why?!”, she cries, “Why did you leave and cause us so much pain?  Didn’t we love you enough?  Weren’t you happy?  Am I being punished, somehow?!”  Her eyes are so full of tears, and her teeth are grinding in her mouth, her throat burns, her chest is so tight she can’t breathe in without making an awful screeching sound……..she feels exposed, naked, dirty, ashamed, guilty, embarrassed, unfaithful……..

  
  

  She wakes up, still crying, still confused, trying so hard to bring the Lost Man back into focus.  She can’t smell him anymore.  Why wouldn’t he speak?  He must be angry, but……..he was smiling……..why wouldn’t he talk to her? Touch her?  She aches to hold him again, to hear him laugh……….

  
  

  Now the fog of sleep is clearing a bit, and she realizes where she is, she hears the New Man, sleeping softly beside her.  Now she comprehends that it was a dream, the Lost Man is still Lost……..

  
  

  She lays there and cries some more, realizing she’ll never see him again.  He is indeed, lost to her. She aches as she accepts this truth……

  
  

  Then she snuggles up to her New Man, and thanks the Universe that he came into her life, to help her live again.  How will she ever manage to let this New Man know how much he means to her, how much she loves him,  how she is so thankful that she found him?  How her heart can love them both, one does not diminish the other, her heart has grown to care for this New Man. He makes her life joyful.  This is a new and different life she lives, the Lost Man took her old life with him.  She’s feels happy and complete in this new life they have begun together.  She buries her face in the New Mans shoulder, breathes in his scent, pulls him close, and silently weeps……

  
  

   

  
  

  
  

  
  

  Bob McMillin 3/21/56 ~ 2/11/03

  
  

  Two and 1/2 years ago, you left.  You took with you so much of who we were, and left us gaping, painful holes in our hearts.  Time has helped us begin to heal, and now we can laugh when we remember a funny thing you said or did.  We can think of you warmly, without a stab of pain.  We will never forget you, the life that was, the family we were when you were here, the security of your love that is gone now.  We will always hold you dear in our hearts, we will always think of you. In our world, you were the Sun, and we were the stars that basked in your warmth.  You were a gift; a true gift of love to us, and for that we are forever thankful.  Be at Peace, my sweet Bobbers……….

  
  

   

  • 9:51 pm
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