November 28, 2005
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I was reading my journal that I kept the first year after Bob died, and I was thinking about how far I’ve come, how I am able to live again. I was feeling pretty proud of myself. Then tonite, for the first time in a long time, I call Rick “Bobbers”…”What did you just say?” he asks me……I’m mortified, my eyes instantly fill with tears. Rick is so sweet about it. He tells me that to him, it’s actually a compliment, he’s happy that my love for him would be so strong that my sub-consious would blurt out “Bobbers” when I’m talking to him. He’s flattered. …….this gives me some small amusement to mix with my embarrassment, and I’m left shaking my head. He is so sweet to me.
Here is an entry from my journal, a handwritten one, I had not found out about blogging yet, dated Jan 27th of 2004, coming up on the first anniversary of Bob’s death……I was so full of dread.
Countdown to February 11th…..
I feel like I have bleach in my stomach. Could it really be a year already?
I’m thinking about “Gone with the Wind”, and how Scarlett couldn’t wait to take off her black mourning clothes after one year…………I would wear them longer……I wish our society still had a way of letting people know you are “grieving”. I wish we could still wear black. Maybe an armband or something to mark us. Then people would be more understanding when I’m confused, sad or scattered……They would show a little patience when I stand there dumbly, trying to remember what I’m suppossed to be doing. They wouldn’t stare at me when I’m crying in my car. Wouldn’t try to fix me up with their uncle or take me to a bar…….Thats just not who I am right now, or what I want to do…….
I want to be still…
It’s good for me to cry, it’s good for me to feel this awful pain for him. He deserves my sadness………so I let the memories wash over me. How do you say goodbye to someone who is part of you? Someone who’s absence makes it hard for you to breathe?
Someone you can’t live without…….but here you are without them anyways…………Your stupid broken heart doesn’t realize it can make you happy by . just. stopping!……it keeps trying to do it’s job…it doesn’t seem to notice that it has been ripped in two…….Thump, thump, thump….it just keeps going………
But your nerves, oh, they know! Your pain receptors know, every other part of you knows that you really, really need to just curl up and die.
But your heart……so focused on its own misery…….it doesn’t hear you, it doesn’t listen as you plead and beg with it……..willing it to please just stop.
I want to thank you, sweet Richard, for giving my heart a reason to beat again………
Comments (37)
Your the most beautiful & brillant woman I know! I love you! With all of my heart I love you!
Beautiful sweety, you are resiliently luminescent!
Very moving. I also wish there was some way to be allowed to grieve. It’s like we’re supposed to get over things in a weekend then be back to normal on Monday. I don’t think normal exists after losing someone so close. You just end up getting to a point of a different normal.
*hugs*
Oh my, I should have my sister read this entry. You are truly an inspiration Shellie and for that, I thank you. And, my oh my….what a man you have now. You are truly blessed.
xoxoxo Janice
This helps me more than you may ever know. I know our losses are different, but the heart break might be the same. Thank you so much for sharing this.
you!
You know what? That was pretty sweet! I’m glad you have Richard to make you happy again.
Have a good Monday.
the love between you and rick really shows. wishing you two a season full of happiness and cuddles!
ryc: yep, MUCH better than last year! lol
I’m so glad that you found such a sweetheart, and I’d bet a shiny dollar that Bobbers had something to do with it. I mean, I’ve read the story about how you saw him in the mall with his daughter…you really think that was coincidence?
You’re a lucky, sweet woman. You and Rick are both very lucky folks.
You are blessed to have found two such wonderful men in your lifetime! And you are definitely deserving!!! {{hugs}}
Oh my god. I swear, if I were there, I would give that Rick the biggest hug he’s ever had. What a man. But I’ve said that before. You must have just wanted to crumble when you called him that. You probably thought you had ripped out his heart. It’s easy to do that silly thing, though. I’ve done it with Frank. I think, after so many years with someone, you just revert back in a split second, without thinking about it, and there it is…the wrong name. Rick was complimented. Frank was insulted. Big difference.
I love you, Miss Shellie..you’re a good woman. You’ve managed to take all that love you had, still left in your heart to give to Bob, and found a way to share it with Rick. He loves you, maybe more than you’ll ever know. I think he is very, very special.
to you both!!
You’re such an inspiration! When I lost my mom I was most suprised that I kept “being”…that I didn’t cease to exsist the very moment she died…sometimes I still feel like that. Reading your journal always inspires me and brings me comfort as well.
As I read your journal entry I was right there with you, aching right along with you. Among many other gifts and talents that you have, expressing yourself with words is at the top of the list. I’m glad to hear that there is joy and comfort in your life again.
I think we should do the mourning sings too. Like in the Scarlett Letter. Like if a spouse dies wear a big W, or if a parent dies wear an O for Orphan. Its sad that society doesn’t respect the mouring. I luckily so far have only lost a grandparent that was and still is tough everyday….but what letter would you use for that? Maybe the armband thing IS a better idea.
I’m so glad you have Rick!
Many hugs and more blessings. I think despite it all, you are lucky, specially in love:)
You are very welcome! And never open an unexpected email attachement, even from people that you know …
That sweet story, juxtaposed right above the last entry with a picture of Rick wielding a knife, reflected just how playful you two are…I’ve enjoyed so much getting to know you
oh, that was really wonderful. a tribute to both the wonderful true loves in your life. amen.
That is awesome that Rick is so secure in your love and his love and understanding for you!! Made me tear up! You are so blessed to have found each other! hugs emlee
M7y mom was married to my dad for 53 years. Several years after he died she dated a man she eventually married. Sometimes they would slip and call each other the wrong name. I asked my mom if it bothered her when he called her Fonda. She smiled at me and said “No he Fonda me too”. Bless her heart. Love is wonderful.
I am blessed and honored to have found you. :lip_kiss:
I have talked to Sue, Sherry and Brad! We are all coming I just need to call Serena & Rod. Terri can’t cause she does the Harry & David thing this time of year! Darn it! She is so fun!
Anyway, we will all be there and they keep asking what is the theme, I told them whatever you feel like! So there ya have it!
See ya Thursday sweet thang!
My brother lost his wife about five years ago and he’s still in mourning. He thought of always wearing black or an armband. Instead, I found a small metal pink breast cancer ribbon pin and painted over the pink with black enamal craft paint. He wears it everyday. It’s small and discreet.
Hi Shellie, Thanks for stopping by my site. It’s nice to hear from you. I only joined in on Xanga a matter of a few months ago (I mean where I got active with posting) so I didn’t see your posts about Bob from the past. You have been through so much…….. I’m sorry this affected your life and I know Bob was 1 in a million. Now you have another man in your life that also sounds to be 1 in a million. You sure know how to pick em! Rick handled that slip-of-the-tongue with such sincerety. He’s a good man and you are obviously very happy with him. I’m happy for you both….you know, you are one in a million yourself dear lady.
Luv2Blog told me Survivor is at your house this Thursday. She also let me know I’m invited to jump in if/when I can. I was suppose to go to the Olive Garden with co-workers that night but I can’t drive at night any longer. Maybe I can hitch a ride with her and make it to your place this week…..would that be ok with you? She’s coming over to my house tonight so I can show her some things I have learned in Xanga.
RYC: I enjoy going down to Fresno to see David and the rest of the family that lives there but can’t say I would want to live there. On the news, while I was recently in Fresno, they were talking about the poor air quality there. David piped up and said he could actually “feel” the difference in the air during his visit up here in Oregon. I’m glad he’s planning on moving here, may not be until May 2006 but he’s worth waiting for to say the very least.
Thank you Shellie. I’ll talk with Chawn tonight then! Looking forward to it. What can I bring?
awwwwww :smile:
You have been lucky in love, that does not happen to many. Rick is a great person. All I can say is WOW………
ryc: Yes my step son lives in Eugene. Funny he is only a few years younger than me.. but he gets a kick out of calling me mom.. I have to laugh too, I don’t have kids of my own. We have not been down to Eugene to see him. He is really busy with his new job at Detroit Diesel and he is taking some on line classes. He is also trying to by a house so he is pretty busy these days. I know we will get there sooner or later. I’ll have to let you know when…
Deb
Great day, I can’t even imagine that. I really honor your handling of all these emotions. It’s really good that you give them an outlet. I can’t even fathom what you have been through – or what you’re going through. Your hubby’s a great guy to be so understanding. But, it was a slip – stranger things have happened!!
I remember one of my old bosses, Mrs. Bakos. Her husband was from Greece and she was from Cyprus. Her mother died and she went for one year with no makeup. That’s how their country showed they were in mourning. I thought it was very very sweet.
That was breathtaking. The respond he gave you, being flattered and complimented, and then your journal…
I never, ever could imagine how someone would feel, or act after such a traumatic event. Through you writings, I feel I understand more. At least, enough to maybe make a difference in someone life who’s been through this. Thank you for that.
Hugs, both for you AND Rick!!!
~L~
I thank Rick for giving your heart a reason to beat again, too. He’s got a beautiful spirit. I like the way his noggin works.
I’m not at all surprised that you have found two wonderful men in your life. They couldn’t help but to be drawn to your light and your love. If you ask Rick, I bet he’d tell you that you’ve put more bounce in his heartbeat, too. You are a good fit.
Jill
You and Rick are both incredible people. It’s hard not to accidentally call someone by the wrong name/nickname after being so used to saying it for so long. And Rick’s reaction was very touching. Shows how much his love for you is strong and how secure he is. *hugs*
{{{hugs}}}
Rick sounds wonderful!
Lisa
My dear Bobbers. My class is full and has a waiting list. I will be taking them on a tour of your images. We will not be stopping to read test but going back several (many) postings ago and look at images. Thanks for your many images.
Awww!!! You are so blessed.
:eyes_wink:Hi,
I crusing the blogring, and wanted to invite you to my page. I can see you are busy.
Sincerely
Crystal F
Angels have to stick together so since you are one and Bob was one now you have Rick who is one too. *HUGS* Love you very much!