January 29, 2006
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Can we just skip February, please?……..
I’m wound up tighter than an eight day clock. My son comes by today, and we start talking about the 3 year anniversary of Bob’s death, and what we are going to do to mark the day. He asks me questions about the night his dad died, and we both talk about what we remember was going on. I was talking about how the doctor said Bob didn’t feel any pain, probably just got a bit dizzy, I could see Bobby drinking up this information again. He asked me about several things that happened that night. This is the very first time he has ever just talked to me about his dad’s death, and what went on that day, and that evening, and how he felt, and what he thought……………I know it sounds strange to all of you, but it was such a good feeling in my deepest heart of hearts that my son could finally talk about that night, and talk about his dad dying, and still have a smile on his face in some parts of the conversation, he didn’t have that haunted look in his eyes he usually gets when I mention anything about Bob. Such a relief.
We agreed we were both dreading the anniversary, and I said that the “build up” to a certain date was almost always worse than living through the actual day itself, i.e. Christmas, or his birthday, etc. Bobby agreed that it was that way for him too…..
So today, I’m having waves of anxiety, they were already there, but having the conversation with my son stirred up the pot, for sure. Rick and the Princess and I were out and about, and suddenly we were driving by the apartment that I lived in when Bob died. It reached right out and grabbed me so hard! Squeezed me so tight! I could see our cars in the parking lot, the tomato basket hanging off my daughters balcony……..
Then we sit at the light, waiting for the left turn arrow. I want away from here in the worst way……..How many times did we walk through that intersection, on our way to Dairy Queen? I see Bob, with my nephew Jake sitting on his shoulders, on our way to get an icecream……..my chest gets tighter…………tighter…………come on light! change already!
I want to ask the Princess to cover her ears, so I can scream at the top of my lungs….why is this frigging light taking so long?! Finally it changes, and we drive into the parking lot of the grocery store. I get my mind off of it for a bit, but as I reach into the frozen foods for a bag of peas, my back siezes up……..dammit! Now I hobble up to the checkout lane, Rick trying to take care of everything, so I can slowly walk towards the car. Gosh, I love him!
So…….here I am, sitting in Ricks recliner while he makes dinner, with the vibrate and heat going, trying to get my back to unclinch itself. I’m fine! really!
But can we please just skip February…..?
Comments (24)
I will allow you to skip February – that means I won’t turn 32 and I can still be 29
The anticipation of the day is no fun – the memories that flood your mind daily as the day creeps nearer and nearer – again no fun. Always Xanga to vent on and say what you’re feeling – keeping it in is no good. Scream the next time you need to
(((((((Shellie)))))))) Yes. We can skip February if you promise me we can skip November. Love you sweetie. We’ll get you through February, no worries.
Me to — if we skip it i can stay 44
thank goodness then that february is the shortest month around!
let’s skip it then 
ryc: yep, makes me wonder why the paint companies don’t study those paints that are centuries old to use as their own!
I promise you it WILL get better. I just had my ninth anniversary and it was the very first year I didn’t shed some tears that day. I’m really trying to embrace that “it’s better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.” And “don’t cry because it’s over; smile because it happened.”
That last comment is MINE! I’m gonna kill Crab if she doesn’t stop signing in on her site when she stops by here and then leaves without signing out! What would she knows about losing somebody? She goes around BREAKING hearts.
I’m glad you and your boy had that talk. It’s good that he’s at a place now where he’s able to hear the details and learn what he can about it. Knowledge is power, and to have answers to his many questions and to help take the mystery out of the whole thing, will enable him to better accept his loss, and he can be more of a support to you going forward as well.
It’s odd reading this tonight. Tomorrow is dad’s birthday, and mom just brought out a tape we made of his 65th birthday party. She asked if I wanted to watch it with her tomorrow. I had planned on grocery shopping and I have to steam all the carpets, but I can certainly make time for her. She always gets quiet around this time. It’s a huge adjustment to get used to living without someone after 48 years. Hell, it’s a huge adjustment to learn to live without someone you love, no matter how long or short the time together.
I love you Shellie. You’ll get through February. You’ll manage to pull out that strength you have in your soul, and will make each day count. You have so much to be happy about. Rick is crazy about you. Your children are crazy about you. Your furry babies are crazy about you, and Frank and I are crazy about you. Well, we ALL are.. All of we xanganites out here…we love you very much.
Tell Rick I love him too!
Done deal. We’ll go straight from January to March. *hugs*
I can see I’m in trouble….AGAIN! Forgot to sign out on the old biddy’s computer. Some day she’ll get her sorry butt in trouble under my name. It’s enough to almost make me smile. I’m sorry for the roller coaster you’re on as the date approaches. We’ll be thinking of you.
Gosh I feel like I have no right to cry,
I have never lost someone I knew, ever.
How wonderful that your son can talk
about his father now …I am sure it helps a lot.
Its fine with me if we skip Feb….less school ^_^
Take care <3
Make is so, Number One!
I can’t imagine how you’re feeling, but I do know that the first week in November is very hard for me, and it’s been 20years. I think that we can all agree that February is over-rated as a month anyway, and none of us will mind just going straight through to March. Hey, that makes it that much closer to spring anyway, right? Seriously, we’ll all be thinking about you and if you get too sad, just stop a moment and feel all the Xanga hugs that are being sent your way.
Oh honey. I hate that chest tightening anxiety feel. I don’t envy you that. But please know I love ya and my thoughts are with you!
I’d kinda like to keep February b/c I go to Cancun! But I’ll let you skip it!
A lot of skipping to be done, yes skip Feb, I’ll skip June and Kira will skip Nov. What a short year. It is important to talk about our departed ones, what you could do is all go out for a pizza, make it a special happy evening, Bob will like it! no tears, in June we all go out for a pizza with Adriano’s friends, chat about whatever we want to, knowing that the empty chair at the head of the table used to be, and still is HIS.
RITA.
/hugs
I’m glad you all can talk about it, I think thats healthy. And I’m thankful you have someone now who understands and helps you in these times.
You sure did have a physical reaction to all that emotion! I bet your muscles were so tight sitting at that light…
I wouldn’t mind skipping February, if you can arrange that, well, it’s ok by me.
I’m glad your son talked with you about that. He’s growing up.
Actually, I thought the end of 2005 and the beginning of 2006 would be so wonderful. But, you know what? I end up losing a baby in the first month of the year and the heat goes out. UGH. I hate that tight feeling in the chest. I know that feeling. I don’t even know how I’d function losing Michael. My hat’s off to you for being such a strong woman. I’m glad your son got to vent and learn. That’s always good. Don’t ever hold it in.
Hugs to you Shellie.
as far as i am concerned, we can skip feb and march and go on into spring!!!! hehehe!!! hope you have a good week!!!!
You stay in my prayers. The anticipation always gets me too. I’m glad though that he was finally able to open up about his feelings to you…that’s a good sign.
This one almost made me cry. I get the same feeling in June, when my mother died. I go by the old house sometimes and want to know who those interloopers are who are living in OUR house. I suppose it never goes away…
I’d be happy to skip February myself.
Lynn
I am glad you and you were son were finally able to talk about it. Sorry you have had a rough day! Hope you start to feel better soon.
Lisa
I loved the conversation you had with your son. What a huge milestone, in more ways than one. I say continue the momentum–take back February! I think he must have been a pretty special guy–and what you had with him–that here you are, so full of love again, so completely and richly–there’s room in your heart to love Bob and what you had AND your life now. The “ending” will not go away, but that’s where the sequel began. I never saw the first act, but I can say this second act of yours makes me really wish I knew you in person!
Can we just skip September too? I’m glad your son can talk about it with you now. . he just needed time and you need more time too. . .fortunately you have a wonderful husband now who understands. . .and you can lean on him. . your are fortunate in deed my friend. I’ll take that hug you offered and give it back to you in spades!~K.K.
We feel the same way about September. It’s almost five years for us and it is still not any easier. You are right, the weeks just prior are the worst. We see the effect on my Ubby and we wish we could just skip September altogether.
It is a very good sign that your son can talk about it. It is so healing. I wish my Ubby could.
Love you tons, Shellieboo! I’m hating February for you. *HUGS*