January 31, 2006
-
My Diary entry from January 31st, 2004………Two years ago today.
I think I’ve come a long way, even though it’s still tough at times……
I’m not ready for February! I don’t want to start the countdown! What the Hell!?! Why does everything and everyone just keep going along like nothing happened?
And everyone who thinks I should be “bouncing back” will have new ammo -”It’s been a year! Get on with your life!” Sometimes I want to scream at them to SHUT-UP! I can’t do what is NOT possible! Get on with my life?! My life died a year ago, didn’t you hear?
What Life? He WAS my life!!!
I JUST WANT MY OLD LIFE BACK!!! Is this asking too much? Where do I go to complain? Is God, or whoever it is out there – does He hear me? Does he even care?! Did I do something bad? Am I being punished?
I feel so awful……….so unhappy.
How many women have been lucky enough to have a great love? I had one for 20 years…….
He took good care of me.
Stop whining
How do you say goodbye to someone who is part of you? Someone who’s death makes it hard for you to breathe?
I cant believe he’s been dead almost a year. I just heard his voice!
I hate my life
I miss you, baby, so much…….
Did you know deep down inside how much I loved you?
I will feel guilty forever – responsible for your death……
I was so worried about money, not seeing the signs, and there were all KINDS of signs now that I look back………………Tons…….
I just couldn’t grasp that you would leave me so young…….That you were so fragile, when I thought you were so strong………..
So darned strong
Where are you?
Comments (16)
First, it is not whining. You aren’t ready to move on. For some people, they just consider it a part of the cycle of life (logic over emotion). For others, they have lost themselves. Their soul has been chopped in half without notice. It takes some people longer to recover, and some never do. They loose their life partner. I also have lost.
Email me if you need to talk.
You have come so far.
In my twisted way of seeing things…you are so lucky to have had him in your life; 100 years would have been too short of time together. I cannot imagine, even briefly, the grief, the loss, the emptiness, sadness, and hopelessness that you have gotten through. Then again I cannot fathom a love and partnership so strong. I am so sorry for your loss; your kids’ loss.
I am happy for you that you have come to live again. I think he would be so proud of you for your strength; for your undying love and respect for him. I doubt he would have wanted you to bear the burden of guilt, but that’s something reserved for those left behind, right?
Lots of love to you and yours on the eve of the bad month.
Triple ditto to CanadianE’s comment. That pretty much says it all.
It’s interesting to read your entry from 2004. I doubt that any of those feelings have left you, well, I know they haven’t. I do hope, more than anything, that you’re not still carrying the burden of unnecessary guilt around in your heart. I’m sure if there were signs, he would have been more aware of them than you. Life is what it is. And Shellie, there is no way to escape the ultimate end. The ugly shit happens. We don’t always get a “heads up”. It can just creep up and grabs our asses…and that’s it.
You will probably always have a broken heart. If you lived for a million years, I believe it would still ache. No one is asking you to try and get rid of it either. It’s ok. But please don’t beat yourself up for something you had no knowledge of, or control over. We are each responsible for our own lives, ultimately. Live and learn. What else can we do?
February can’t hurt you. Don’t be sad. Face it head on, and kick it in the ass.
I love you.
You are one amazing woman. I admire that despite your broken heart you carry on with the pieces as you do–and stay strong for your kids and have lots of love for your new man. I admire that when you are feeling down, you admit it; you don’t try to hide it.
The guilt I have over my friend’s death a year and a half ago–that’s almost unbearable at times. I broke out in tears a few times yesterday, what would have been her birthday. I can only imagine how I’d feel if …No! I don’t want to imagine it. It scares the hell out of me to read what you wrote because if I were in your shoes, I know I’d feel the exact same way…and I don’t want to feel that…I cry. I’m not so sure I’d come as far as you have. I definitely see some things differently because of what you have shared. I think it is a tribute to Bob’s life the way you live now…Could you be so passionate a person about everything else, and not feel these things?
You amaze me with your ability to recognize and communicate your feelings as you did in this post. A year seems like no time to me, none at all. It’s commendable that you were able to be functioning as well as you were at that time. Grief is not something we quickly recover from. Take your time.
All of the above have said wonderful things so there is not much to add. I didnt know you then but it seems that you have come a VERY long way from that day. It seems that your new love is built on what you had before. It has meant that the love you had for 20 years has enabled you to love again. Yvonne
Oh God, what a tear jerker. . .and honestly, I felt exactly the same way about my mom, so that just brought back those memories. . .it still hurts, even after nearly 15 years. You are so fortunate though Shelly, you found Richard and he is a wonderful man too. Not many women hit the jackpot twice in one life time!
RYC: Phew, she WAS covered! What a relief!~K.K.
M’Lady,
A reminder for you. Your “Moment in Time” is due tomorrow. I’m looking forward to reading all of them!~Kween
Grief is a normal process and it will take a while, but you will move on. Take a day or two to just cry or wallow in ice cream or something. But it doesn’t have to take over your whole life. Remember it’s renting space in your head that you need to get on with your life. He knows you always loved him and he’s waiting for you when you come to the end of your life. This I know.
Take it easy, Shellie.
RYC: I actually love going to the movies. I only said *I* was the slug not to embarrass my husband. He won’t go to movies and it’s difficult to explain why. I refuse to go alone and it would take too long to explain why here. We were going to see “Match Point” for our anniversary, but I think we’ve blown it already. I was sick with a sinus infection, and now he has a bad cold. By the time we are both well, it will be long gone from the theaters.
Lynn
You’re not whinning. That was extreme emotional turmoil, something I don’t think anyone could just “get over.” As I have said in previous comments I can only imagine the pain, suffering and anguish you were dealing with as a hole had not only been ripped from your heart, but ripped from your soul as well.
Even when you learn to love again your heart still carries that scar and it always will. A new love does not replace the old. It’s just that two candles have been lit from your flame.
I really wish you could feel the hugs I am sending to you!
ryc: I’m not sure Bud has much of an accent…he just says somethings weird..he also pronounces ruin- roo-eene-he’s just an odd duck!
{{{big hugs}}}
I can only wish to be there and give you a hug. *HUGS*