Month: September 2008


  • THE WASHCLOTH , sigh, another joke.....















    I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.












    As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.












    I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.












    I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.












    After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.












    After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard.












    She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."












    NEVER EVER GOING BACK TO THAT DOCTOR. EVER

  • OUCHIE!







     

     





    POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM

    I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?'

    I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science.'

    Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

    With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?'

    'Fine', I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?

    My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!

    'Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.' Belinda headed for the door.

    'Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted.

    Belinda kept going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back.'

    Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared.

    And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass!

    After exchanging polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

    Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.'

    'You bet, take care' Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

    Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?'

    And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps....