Sorry!!!!!!!!!  This new job is kicking my butt!

I'll take that 20 bucks Lou!

I've been taking photos of bridges, there's bunches of them around here...

I really enjoy the driving around, taking pictures, being nosy, looking at cool houses part of my job, but the paperwork! Ugh!  I spend hours on the computer every day, and once I'm done with work, I don't want to look at the monitor for one more second!  I'm having scads of fun working on the house, unpacking, rearranging........I really need to get the Christmas stuff down from the attic.

Thanksgiving is at my house!!!  I need a head count of who's gonna be here.........one, two, three......uh huh, how about you? No, too busy?  OK, more cherry cheese pie for me!

I have to admit I've been a bit down lately, my son moved out..........now I'm a real live empty nester.  Rick and I went over to check out his new digs, and I didn't cry till we were back out in the parking lot!  Woot!  Rick was proud of me!  Who said kids could just up and move out, and move away?  Especially 2 months from each other?  Where do I go to complain about this?

Maybe this is part of the facsination with Bridges right now, I'm crossing over one, want to or not, ready or not, there's some new, untamed land over on this side, which is exciting I admit, but I still look wistfully backwards, trying to catch glimpses of that old life, left on the other side.

My daughter got a promotion on her job already.  Dang it!  I got her an airplane ticket to come home for Christmas, but I have to get over the Thanksgiving-and-no-girl-here hump first.  She's so good to e-mail me and call on the phone, but I'm so paranoid about this phone stuff...........My mom will talk to me on the phone for a long time, telling me the same things over and over, she's a "discusser", and I can apprieciate that now, but there were times when I wanted to yank myself baldheaded and yell "I know! You've said that 5 times already!!", but I didn't. 

Then there's my old mother-in-law, the only thing she ever said to me on the phone was "Is Bob there?",............. no "Hi!", or "how's it hangin?", just straight to the point, she didn't have time to waste on me.

So there's my dilemma when talking to my girl, I don't want her to roll her eyes when she sees my name on her caller ID, but I don't want to be too short with her either and make her feel like she's not important to me, so everytime we're talking, I'm trying to say what I feel I need to say ONE TIME ONLY, yet have a conversation for a few minutes if she has the time..........

Do any of you worry over this kind of stuff?  Am I insane?  OK, don't answer that last question........

*sigh* I love these two turkeys.........Happy Thanksgiving to all of you!  Kiss your loved ones and tolerate the rest!  So many wonderful Xanga friends, I truly wish you all a blessed and peaceful holiday!  Mwa!

I'm asleep and dreaming, but, unlike some of you, I don't have the gift of knowing inside my dream that its a dream.  It's real to me.

I see Bob, lying over on the couch, and I think he's asleep. On approaching him, I realize he looks all wrong; his face is slack, mouth agape, purple splotches on his skin..."Oh, that's right, he's dead!", I think, "The doctors couldn't save him........."

I look around the room, and notice my daughter sitting in a chair, and I walk over to her.  Her eyes are vacant, and I realize her head is split open, from ear to ear, pink and white stuff trying to ooze out of the slit.  I quickly grab her head in my hands and push her skull back together, I find some ribbon and tie the pieces of her head with it, making a bow right above her eyes.  She's still alive, and I need to get her help. I'm panicing, "Not her, too! Not her, too!". 

I run up to the side of this tall building...........it's the hospital, it's the Emergency room door I ran in the night Bob died, only.....the door is not there, or it won't open, or it's hidden from me........"WHERE is the DOOR??"  I run around and around the building, exhausting myself, trying to find that door, any door.....  My daughter is sitting on the curb, waiting, holding her head together for me.

Where's the damned door?!?  I look up, and I can see doctors inside, on the next floor, and they're just standing around, talking to each other, oblivious to me down on the sidewalk........"HEY!!!"  I shout, "Where's the door?!", "Come help me with my daughter!!!", I try jumping, I try wedging my fingers in the wall to climb up.  I try to find things to throw at the window...........I look over to my daughter, and she has lain herself down on the sidewalk, and I see stuff is leaking out of her broken skull.........

I'm so frustrated!  I start screaming and crying and I wake myself up.

All of those emotions I keep so neatly tucked away during my waking hours have snuck out on me, they are dancing around the room, I can't stuff them all back down, put them in their cubby holes, hide them in thier closets.....  My face and pillow are wet with tears, my teeth ache from clenching my jaw, I'm sweaty from the top of my head to the soles of my feet, and I'm sad...........so sad,  I can't stop the tears.......I feel so out of control, God! I hate feeling like this!!

I get up and go into the bathroom, turn on the light, sit on the toilet, and try to pull myself together.  But the dam is down, the emotions are pouring out of me and over me, beating me up, reminding me of how much a person can hurt, ......how much I hurt.  I weep for a long, long time.  I tell myself, "You were dreaming, you were dreaming!" over and over, until my mind finally starts to believe it, and my heart starts to slow down, and I begin to catch my breath.  The waves of emotion begin to abate, I quickly push them down, down, down.....

Then I weep some more, just because.  Just because I bottle it up so much.  There's never really a convenient time to have a good cry, is there?  Right now, I'm raw, and emotional, and I'm awake, and I won't bother anyone........so I let the tears flow, leak out of my eyes,...... I didn't know I had so many backed up in there, where are they coming from?  My throat hurts, my sinuses feel like balloons, my eyes are puffy..........but I'm finally done, and man, am I ever tired.  I crawl back into bed, it's 3:30 in the morning.  I fall deep, deep asleep.

At 5:00, the alarm goes off, time for Rick to get up for work.  He tries to talk to me, I'm under water, my body is exhausted, I can't wake up.  "Are you OK?  Do you feel OK?" he asks me, concerned little wrinkle in his forehead.  I smile and kiss him.  "You go back to sleep for a bit, I'll wake you up when I'm leaving", and then he says, "Wake up, I've gotta go".......Wait, I didn't even have time to fall back to sleep, but I look at the clock, which says 5:55, ..........that's weird.........

Today I am exhausted, yawning, I need to inspect 10 properties, but after the 5th one, realizing my brain is just not present in my body, I find myself getting off the freeway at my home exit, and the car parks itself without even asking me, and I'm gonna go take a nap, try to find myself, try to wake up less raw....  Why are deep emotions so tiring, so draining, so numbing?  Why are they so solitary?

You did it.  After standing at the edge of the nest and flapping your wings, threatening to fly.............you took that step, out into the big unknown. I knew it would be painful for me to watch you fly away, but I had no idea, the new hole in my heart........I miss you, sweet girl, already, I miss you.....

How can you spend so much time loving a child, encouraging, worrying about, wanting to strangle, giving money, going to movies with, laughing with, listening to their plans and dreams, dreaming for them..............how can they just pack up and move 7 hours away?  I'm torn between pride and an ulcer.  I keep telling myself it wont be long, and she'll be back.  Maybe by Christmas......she'll hate the job, get sick of the boyfriend, sick of Reno, and come back home.  Come back home to her brother and I.  She cried all day long on Friday, came by again on Saturday morning, on her way out of town, and cried again.

I took her dads medal off my key ring and gave it to her.  "So he can find you", I say, my throat tight.  I will him to stay by her and keep her safe.  I will him to make sure she gets back home, so I can see her, touch her, hug her.......Please, come back home!, I whisper silently as I kiss her hair...My voice says out loud, "You'll be Okay, this is a great life experience for you, you're going to be alright......".

But I remember-

I remember when I left the nest.......

It was never the same when I came home again.  It was my moms house, and although I could visit, my home was somewhere else. 

That river of life, it just keeps flowing.........right now, it's drowning me.....

                     

This was my card he gave me from our 16 1/2 year anniversary.  He gave me hundreds of cards over the years, and always wrote crazy things in them, and drew awful little stick figures and such. He would draw stuff all over the envelopes, too. He was so corny........I'm glad I kept bunches of them.  I asked Rick to read this one last night, just to see what a nice guy Bob was. I wish they could have known each other, they would have liked each other very much, I think. 

It kind of made me irked at Bob to read that last part he wrote, about how he couldn't even think of what life would be like without me......I got to do it........but it has all turned out well for me, I know I'm going to be OK, and I thank him for that, for his boundless love for me, for our healthy relationship that allowed me to accept love again.  I don't know if he had a hand in my finding Rick, but I could not have found a kinder, sweeter, more loving man had I searched a hundred years.  I feel like I'm a two time "Husband Lottery Winner"

This week is just tough for me, sorry...........not trying to be melodramatic, just trying to get stuff out from under my skin before I explode with it.  February 11th and 14th are hard for me, cause they are his date of death, and Valentines Day, which was our 1/2 year Wedding Anniversay.  Now I'm on the flip side,  August, the half year of his death, and our Wedding Anniversary, this August 14th would have been 23 years.  On the countdown for that one now.  Then I should be OK.

Last night, I did the countdown of the night he died in my mind, you longtimers know what I'm talking about, and about 9 o'clock, I went into the bedroom, my anxiety was getting the better of me, and Rick came in and was so sweet, he held me as the tears leaked out of my eyes, and my mind relived those minutes.......right now, I'm running towards the hospital, right now, they're pronouncing him dead..........etc., etc..........

It really wasn't as painful as it has been in the past, getting a bit easier each time........it helps having someone love you so much, and be concerned for you.  Rick wished he could climb into my head and help me through it, seems he doesn't understand how much he has already helped my heart.........                                   

She's standing in a slightly familiar bedroom, seems she's been here before, but not in years. "Where is that old comforter?", she asks herself, looking at the bed.

She glances around, and realizes she is not in the room alone, the Lost Man is there with her.  A sudden rush of exhilaration almost makes her faint.........it's been so long, so very, very long, since she saw him last.  She thought she would never see him again.  She tries to reach out and hug him, but her arms won't listen to her brain, the Lost Man smiles at her softly.......her heart aches so bad to see him, she has so much to say, but she's so confused.....where did he come from?  Where has he been?

She hears a small sob behind her, and turns to see her children, sitting on the edge of the bed.  They look younger, and so sad, so wounded........she feels a stabbing pang of guilt, and then the guilt becomes almost strangling as she hears someone talking in the next room........"Oh my god!".......it's the New Man in there........she recognizes the deep growly voice that she loves so much.  Her head explodes inside, her temples pound.......how does she explain the New Man to the Lost Man?

She turns to face the Lost Man, who still wears that sweet smile, she looks at the clothes he is wearing, the way he is leaning up against the dresser, trying to drink in every inch of him, moving in close to smell him...........ahhhhh, it's been so long.....but she remembers that smell.  "I've missed you so much!  Why did you go away?  We've been missing you so bad!", all the words come out in a jumble, and again, she wills her hands to reach out and touch him, but they are disobedient, invisible to her.  She struggles against this confusion.  She needs to hear his voice, she needs him to hold out his hand, to touch her face............still, he only smiles, a knowing look on his face.  He seems calm, almost serene.  How can he be this way when she is in such a panic?  Doesn't he know whats been going on?  Doesn't the Lost Man know about the New Man?  How is she going to tell him.......how is she going to keep them both, she loves them both so much, now that the Lost Man is back, she can't let go of him again.........! She feels torn, no; shredded into pieces, every molecule in her body is on fire......

Her mind is like a tornado, and she gulps in great blasts of air, trying so hard not to sob, trying to squash down her panic, trying to think of a sane way to explain to the Lost Man that everything will be OK.  She hears the New Man talking again, and she wants to run to him, to tell him not to be angry, to try to get him to understand.........but she stands frozen in front of the Lost Man instead, and her tears finally cannot be held back any longer.  "Why?!", she cries, "Why did you leave and cause us so much pain?  Didn't we love you enough?  Weren't you happy?  Am I being punished, somehow?!"  Her eyes are so full of tears, and her teeth are grinding in her mouth, her throat burns, her chest is so tight she can't breathe in without making an awful screeching sound........she feels exposed, naked, dirty, ashamed, guilty, embarrassed, unfaithful........

She wakes up, still crying, still confused, trying so hard to bring the Lost Man back into focus.  She can't smell him anymore.  Why wouldn't he speak?  He must be angry, but........he was smiling........why wouldn't he talk to her? Touch her?  She aches to hold him again, to hear him laugh..........

Now the fog of sleep is clearing a bit, and she realizes where she is, she hears the New Man, sleeping softly beside her.  Now she comprehends that it was a dream, the Lost Man is still Lost........

She lays there and cries some more, realizing she'll never see him again.  He is indeed, lost to her. She aches as she accepts this truth......

Then she snuggles up to her New Man, and thanks the Universe that he came into her life, to help her live again.  How will she ever manage to let this New Man know how much he means to her, how much she loves him,  how she is so thankful that she found him?  How her heart can love them both, one does not diminish the other, her heart has grown to care for this New Man. He makes her life joyful.  This is a new and different life she lives, the Lost Man took her old life with him.  She's feels happy and complete in this new life they have begun together.  She buries her face in the New Mans shoulder, breathes in his scent, pulls him close, and silently weeps......

 

Bob McMillin 3/21/56 ~ 2/11/03

Two and 1/2 years ago, you left.  You took with you so much of who we were, and left us gaping, painful holes in our hearts.  Time has helped us begin to heal, and now we can laugh when we remember a funny thing you said or did.  We can think of you warmly, without a stab of pain.  We will never forget you, the life that was, the family we were when you were here, the security of your love that is gone now.  We will always hold you dear in our hearts, we will always think of you. In our world, you were the Sun, and we were the stars that basked in your warmth.  You were a gift; a true gift of love to us, and for that we are forever thankful.  Be at Peace, my sweet Bobbers..........

 

 

 

Father's Day is a stinky day for these two.  I sat Bob's Urn out on the kitchen table with a candle and a photo.  They bring him cards, and shuffle around.  Sunday morning I walked into my sons room and said "Your dad told me to give you this" and gave him a big hug.  He was thankful.  Last week he got into Bob's old car and cleaned out the cobwebs and mold and junk and started driving it around.  "Why are you driving that old Camry?" I asked him.  "Just feel like it", he answered.  "I think I'll drive it to basketball in the mornings....if that's OK".  I think about old times, when he and his dad went to basketball 4 times a week in that car......"Of course, it's OK".

My daughter came up to me while I was cleaning up dinner dishes and handed me a dog-eared book I've read a hundred times, "Can I borrow this?" she asks.  "Of course, I almost have it memorized".  She goes and puts it in her car. The book is "How to go on living when someone you love has died".  I'm hoping this means she's finally to the point of facing his death.  Maybe she can stop pretending he's away on a trip.  I'm crossing my fingers for her.

Well, on to my Monday!  Hope all is well for all of you!

He died alone.....

In a gym full of strangers, with a few aquaintances and friends staring, confused.  Standing around him; circus like.

He fell down and died. No one who loved him was there to take notice, to run over and embrace him.  No one who shared his life with him, who loved him dearly, who depended on his always being there, was by his side to help him die.  No one to whisper "I love you! I love you!", or hold his hand, no last loving look, or kiss on the forehead..........He died all alone.....

No one wants to die that way, all by themselves......sent into the great unknown isolated, unaccompanied by the love of family and friends.  "If you have to die, that's the way to go", says the emergency room doctor, "quick and painless, he didn't even know he was dead.  I hope that's the way I go...."

Replies the new widow - "Not at 46...."  The doctor reaches out and takes her hand, knowing there is no appropriate response.  "Not at  46...." she says again, quietly. 

Thoughts of how the future will be without him rise up to choke me.  He still had so much living to do, so much! And I'm angry, so angry.  He was robbed!  We were robbed......How dare this happen to us? I mentally shake my fist at God...."He didn't even get to say good-bye!", to make peace with things, to hug his children, kiss his wife........does he really not know he's dead?  How can he not miss us?!  Suffocating thoughts.

Not the typical heart-attack for him, no pain shooting down the arm, no tightening of the chest, no thrashing around trying to breathe, no chance of being saved.  At the top of the heart, the little box that generates electricity, that shocks the heart, that makes it beat, that gives us life.  We all have one.  His decides to quit; just quit.  No 30 day notice, just.......stop, melt, explode; they use lots of adjectives to explain to me that it is hopeless.  That a part of his heart is gone. Damaged beyond repair,....

So is mine!

The Medical examiner explains that when this happens, there is no pain, the heart just stops pumping, and in a minute or so, the brain, starved for oxygen, makes you dizzy, then you faint. You don't know you are dead.  A last few blissful seconds of thinking nothing is wrong.  

Since he was playing basketball, it probably happened much quicker, 15 seconds or so.  He fell down, hard.  Bounced on the floor.  What were his last thoughts?  "Wow, I'm really dizzy", or "Gosh, I think I'm going to pass-out", or ........

Those last thoughts weren't of us, I'm sure.  Because he didn't know.  He didn't know they were his last.

 

The 80's.................

A bunch of folks in the "Adult's" blogring are talking about what they were doing in the 80's, so here's my input.  I seem to be about 3 or 4 years older than everybody else doing it! Darn it!

In 1981, I graduated from High School, Bob was in college and a deputy Sheriff.

   

This Senior pic of mine is kinda dog-eared, that's because it's the one Bob carried in his wallet for 20 years.  I have his wallet in a little dish by his urn, plus a few small things of his.  The photo of him is at a frat party.  They're making the pledges do push-ups all in a row.  Everybody's wearing a funky get-up, and I think he's cute as a button in his shorts and boots!

     Here he is with his car, #31, I still have the key tag for this patrol car on my key-ring.  Someday I'll let one of the kids have it, I guess.

This is my mom, when I told her we wanted to get married...........

  We were married in August of 1982, I was 19, he was 26.

We were members of a very strict Pentecostal religion, and did not have TV's or listen to secular music, so I don't have those types of touchstones for memories.  All I know is everyone was talking about some wild woman named Madonna.

Summer of 83, in the yard of our second place to live.  Yes, the sprinkler is on.  Yes, he was nuts like this all the time.

  This photo was taken in June of 84, we had just found out we were expecting our first child the day before.

February of 85, our daughter was born, life changed.......

June of 86, our boy arrives, 16 months later to the day, all eleven plus pounds of him.  I am told I cannot have anymore kids by the doctor, I am fine with that!  Send Bob to vet.......

  We splurge and buy a bigger car...........

 

 Summer of 87, spent raising a family, teaching them how to spit watermelon seeds.......

In 1988, we opened a business like a Mail Boxes, plus gifts.  This is me with one of my employees behind me, her name was Karen.  We had the only fax machine in town.  I remember I paid almost $1000 for it, and it was almost as big as a copier.  I charged $2.00 for the first page and $1.00 each additional, to send or recieve.  We sold lots of balloons, too.  I have a complete paranoia over balloons now.  Too many popped in my face over the years.  Now I can't stand them!  I actually get anxiety when I'm around latex balloons!  All the boxes on the floor are packages folks have brought in to send via UPS. We also had contracts with the phone company and the Gas and Electric company so that folks could come in and pay their bills.  I had this business for 5 years, and then sold it.

So, the 80's for me were my 20's, getting married, starting a family, starting a business.  Pretty boring stuff, really.  But that's what life is, eh?  We were happy, and that's what mattered.

Weekend Update!

Had a great weekend, hope everyone else did too!  Friday night we took Ricks daughter out to dinner and a movie to celebrate her great report card.  We saw the movie "Sahara", which was very cute and funny in an "Indiana Jones" kind of way.

Sunday we got up and went for a drive!  Woot!  Did you know I love to "do stuff"?  Yep, I do!  So we drove up to my very most favorite restaurant, the Log Cabin Inn, for Sunday Brunch.

The Princess loved her boot cup.  The food was excellent, as usual.  Marionberry pancakes.....yum!  The Inn was built in 1886, and the guest books contain the signatures of famous folk like Clark Gable, Herbert Hoover, and the Duke of Windsor.

After brunch, we headed up to Belknap Hot Springs, my favorite spot in the great state of Oregon.  The gardens here are spectacular.  Remember, you can click on these and make them bigger!

This place is full of ghosts for me, of Bob, of course, but also of my children, when they were younger, in middle school, and high school.  Back when they were a part of my everyday life, when my days were spent taking care of them.  The ghosts from that old life are here, in every corner.  Happy ghosts, that make me smile while they break my heart.

This place has been my sanctuary for so long.  I can feel my soul being renewed in the short time we hike around.

And then, there's that tree, the one in the middle of the picture.  Years ago, Bob and I were walking together in the gardens, when a downpour caught us by suprise.  We huddled together under that tree, laughing, talking, enjoying each others company.  We felt like the only people on earth, with only the sound of the rain around us, the tree keeping us from getting drenched.  From that day on, it was "our" tree, and everytime we passed it, we would stop and give each other a hug and a kiss.

Now, whenever I pass that tree, I give it a big hug, and drink in the melancholy feeling it gives me.  I usually close my eyes and listen to the voices.  Bob yelling for the net as he catches a fish, the kids laughing and teasing each other as they sit on the bridge doing homework, our dog Penny, splashing in the water...........playing frisbee in the meadow, s'mores over the campfire ..........sigh .....precious, precious memories of a life now gone.

This time, as I hug "our" tree, Rick and the Princess make me laugh as they exclaim in unison -"tree hugger!"  New memories to lay beside the old.

Rick feeling up the locals..........

After hiking around, we spent about an hour in the hot springs, altogether now..........ahhhhhhhhhhh!

After we got nice and warm, with a new appreciation for how Lobsters feel. Aren't they so cute?!

World's whitest legs.............wonder who's they are?

Rick puts in his submission for world's whitest legs, but he doesn't even come close..........Guess we'll have to enter him in the "Knobby Knee" competition.

So, that's how we spent our weekend, hope everyone else had a great time too!

xoxox

Another 11th.........sigh...........26 months ago today

The headache started yesterday, my vision became blurry, little rainbows and prisms danced in my peripheral vision.  Couldn't take too much light, went to bed for a few hours.  It started letting up in the evening, Rick was so adorable, cranky one minute, loving on me the next.  Gosh, he's so wonderful........

We met on the 10th, so we always try to say something to each other, it's a nice thing, makes the next day more bearable.  He might get mad at me for putting this on here, but I read this note from him this morning, and it made me cry.

"Eight months. Hard to believe. In some ways it's been like a blink. In others like a pleasant eternity. So much has transpired in that short time that it seems like we are old souls together. I can't begin to express my appreciation and love for you. The language can be so limiting sometimes. Suffice it to say that you mean the universe to me. I am a child and I am a man. Both of us need you so, so very much. Thank you. I love you."

Well, if he gets embarassed I'll take it down.  I just appreciate so much his kindnesses, and  how he goes out of his way to remind me of his love.  I hope I deserve him, I hope he knows I love him dearly, too.  I think he's a "one in a million".

I love you, baby! oo! oo!