How We Met (continued)....................

The day I saw Rick in the mall was a Sunday, and we were coming up on the week that had August 11th in it, which was going to be the 18 month anniversary of Bob's death, so I knew it was going to be hard on my kids and myself.  I had told several guys that had asked to see me again that I would not be going out that week, and I probably wouldn't take calls, so they should just wait for me to get ahold of them later in the month.  They were all nice about it, except for one guy, who implied that dating a widow was poison..........so he was OUT!!  Ha!

One guy I went out with twice was also widowed, and I had made the comment to him about how many people on the dating service would not meet widowed folks, afraid we carried too much baggage.  He looked me right in the eye and said "The ones we pick are the lucky ones".  He went on to explain that we had been in long term healthy relationships, and we knew what it took to make a relationship work, and I shouldn't waste my time on those kind of guys.  Your heart can grow to love again, he said, which is so very true.

Why is it OK for people to mourn children, parents, even grand-parents, but that person that was closest to you for so many years?  They're scared of that!  Your best friend has died, your life mate, the person you've shared children with, your movie buddy, your lover....................but if you mention them, the person becomes uncomfortable.  I mean, I can see them feeling like maybe they are being compared, but don't even divorced people do that?  "I definitley don't want to repeat that mistake!", I've heard divorced people say, so they are comparing too.  Is it that scary to be compared to someone I loved versus someone I fought with, didn't like, abused me?  I think I'm a good deal, personally!  Don't have tons of baggage, just some sorrow because a loved one died unexpectedly.

Anyhow, I'm rambling, I know.  That Sunday night, when I got home from wasting that poor other guys time, I looked at Ricks profile again, and then I emailed him.  I asked him if it was really him I had saw in the mall that day.  The next day there was a reply from him, yes, indeed, he had been in the mall with his "princess".  This was Monday, August 9th, and before the evening was over, he had managed to find me on AOL and chat with me.  I thought he was funny and smart, we talked about ourselves and our situations.  He told me he was recently divorced, but I didn't ask for specifics.  We had already met and hit it off before I found out he had been divorced for 2 whole months.........I would never have agreed to meet him, had I known that, because I would have figured he had too much baggage and I would be a "rebound".  When I voiced my concerns regarding that, he of course reassured me that was not the case, but I still had a "wait and see" attitude about that for a while.

On Tuesday evening, the 10th, we again chatted on the computer.  My family was teasing me because I kept laughing out loud.  Now, you have to remember, I haven't been laughing very much for quite a while, so I appreciate very much his sense of humor.  We talk for a while and I tell him "OK, I want to meet you", so he's thinking I mean in a few days or on the weekend, but I, pushy broad that I am, meant, in 30 minutes or so.  I wanted to meet him while all the others were leaving me alone, otherwise he would be at the back of the line.  Fortunatley for him, (Ha!) he was willing to meet me in 30 minutes, so we met at the local El Toritos.  I was 5 minutes late, even though I live a block from the place (you'd have to understand how busy my household is to understand that) and we shared a plate of Nachos. He called me "Sherry", so he can't say anything about my being late!  He was SO nervous!  It was endearing, and he was so CUTE!  Like a big ol'puppy, only smarter.

When we were through with our Nachos and had taken the table long enough (yes, I've waitressed, so I know), we went outside and stood there talking, then decided to walk around the strip mall, around we went, walking slowly, talking.  Man, I liked this guy!  So when it was time to go, I introduced him to my big, bad-assed truck, and fortunately for him, he liked her!  So I said good-bye, and then impulsively reached up and gave him a little kiss, right on the lips.  I shocked him, I think, because his eyes opened wide! Ha!  Forward woman!

After that evening, I never looked back.  I told the other guys I wasn't going to be available for any more dates, took down my profile.  He made stir-fry for me that weekend at his apartment.  I've never met someone who gargled with Listerine so many times during a date!  I fully expected his insides to be stripped!  He was SO nervous, and so cute, talking 90 miles an hour, cooking like crazy, then he CLEANED  UP AFTER DINNER!  And he knew what he was doing!  Damn, that gets me hot!  He put the leftovers in little plastic containers in the fridge, he WIPED down the STOVE!!!!!  And he dumped out the sink strainer!  Yep, I was going to get to know this guy better!

Now, my late husband did all that stuff too, he was a great cook himself, but there really aren't a whole bunch of those kind out there, so I was feeling lucky that I'd found another one.  Then he was a good kisser on top of that, and I'm pretty smart myself, so I was glad he was smart, with a quick, dry wit.  And he wasn't intimidated by the fact that I was widowed.  He let me tell him all about Bob, and he said, "Gosh, if I'd known him, I'd like him too....", another 20 points.

He has made a wonderful effort to get to know my kids, give them space to come to grips with this whole situation, he's got to know my brother and his family, he's met my parents, my dog, my cats.  He  loves cats, another 20 points, he pets them and tells them "Hi" and lets them lay in his lap.  He is a doting dad to his own daughter, who is 16 today!  We're taking her out for dinner, and then we've got cake for over here and give her her presents.  It will be fun, I'm sure.

So, Rick has been under my skin since the day I saw him in the mall, and I appreciate, enjoy and love him more each day.  He has helped me look forward again.

Today...........I'm pretty happy!  There's a lot less stress around here, now I'm just fighting my inner demons.  One of the questions asked was "how we met"........so here's the down-low.

I wanted someone to have around for times you need a guy.  I was looking for someone to go to a movie and dinner occasionally, I enjoy the opposite sex very much, and after 18 months, was getting a bit "lonely" .  Thats all I wanted.  I am very fortunate to be in good financial shape, employable, low bills, so I wasn't needing someone to put a roof over my head, or feed my kids.  I just wanted someone around to go to artsy movies, Saturday market, fancy dinner and a show now and then.  That's what I was looking for.

 I signed up for a dating service, chickened out and removed my profile, then after a month, put it back up again.  Went to visit my mom for the weekend, and when I came back home, Wowza, over 30 guys had either wrote to me or winked at me or both.

Being the office-manager/practical girl that I am, I read through the first batch, and decided to meet 3 of them.  I started a calendar, where I met them and what I wore, interesting factoids about them, etc.  All the while more guys were saying "Hi" and such.  It was a little bit fun, and a lot overwhelming.  The photo I use here is the one a friend took for me in June, when I first decided to do this, and man, are men ever visual!  Ha!

I could only date on weekends, so I would plan 3 dates for Saturday and 3 for Sunday, morning, mid-day, and evening.  I would meet them at the mall, to walk along the river and chat, or for dinner at some restaurant.  It felt SO strange, doing this.  Like auditions or like I was cheating on ALL of them!  Dating multiples was not a lot of fun to me, although I admit to meeting some facsinating guys, some sweet guys, and some completely boring guys that I had nothing in common with.

Chemistry, what is that thing?  I can't explain it, I just know its there.  Some guys were successful professionals, clean, nice car, zilcho chemistry.  We'd laugh and talk and I'd think "Shit, he reminds me of my uncle" or something like that.  Believe me, that completely ruins your libido, thinking of your uncle.............

Well, Rick winked at me, that's all............just a wink.  I'm recieving long thoughtful letters from guys, and Rick just gives me a wink, the bastard.  I read his profile, and see we have a lot in common, but I don't respond, because I'm already juggling several guys who are trying to get 2nd dates and calling me, etc.  I just didn't want to add any more guys to the mix.  You can't really say "Oh, by the way, I'm seeing 3 other guys this week, so don't be shocked if I dont answer the phone".  They jump to the conclusion that you're somehow cheating on them, it's wierd.

Soooooooo, I'm in the mall, desperately trying to end a date with a man I knew within 5 minutes I never wanted to see again, but he wouldn't give up, was trying to talk me into going to a potluck later that day at some folk-dancing club, I kid you not.  I was looking out at the people walking through the mall, trying desperately to tell this man kindly that there was nothing happening here, when I see this tall, intense looking man and this beautiful young lady walking by.

AND I KNOW!!!  It's that guy that winked at me!  What's his name, whats his name, whats his name?!?!?!?!  He's gone, I realize poor other guy is staring at me intently, having asked me some question or other that I've not heard.

So that evening, I go on my 3rd date of the day, with a very nice guy who's a river guide, and works in rescue and recovery, very smart and interesting, and I find myself thinking - "He was in the mall with his daughter........how sweet of him"  and "Man, he's tall, great bod, great presence", and "Most men ditch out on their kids after divorce, but there he was, following his daughter around".  I paid for dinner that night, I felt I did that poor man a disservice, all I kept thinking of was Rick, I was intriged.

OK, I don't know what you're all talking about when you want "details". 

My first marriage, we decided on one Saturday to get married the next, after knowing each other for 3 months.  We were so broke, we didn't exchange rings or anything material, just love and adoration.  I learned early on, watching some of my friends marriages, that a ring really doesn't mean a whole lot if you can't stand being in the house with him.  So I honestly never felt like I was missing out on anything......I had my best friend and companion, and I was happy.

I have had a few people say that they think this is a bit "soon", to make up my mind about something like this, but I was talking to one of my aunts about it, and her reply was "You knew what you were doing the first time, and people thought that then too!  You proved them wrong and had a marraige they were all jealous of."  That is very true.  I won the "Husband Lottery", and I was very thankful to the Universe for that.

Now I feel like I have somehow, in spite of myself, been blessed again.  I have found another wonderful man who adores me, and I him.  I feel good, I feel comfortable, I feel blessed.  I'm older, wiser, and stronger by far than when I was 19, and I'm starting to look forwards again for the first time in 23 months.  I am always mentally pinching myself, I don't feel like I have done anything to deserve this happiness.  But I'm thankful!  You betcha!

Well for our engagement we got matching watches, mine and his. (They are the big ones featured on the pages.)  I wanted a nice watch so much more than a skinny little engagement ring.  I know some of you will think that is completely nuts, that only a ring will do, but after reading the above, that I've never even worn a wedding ring, maybe you can understand that an engagement ring is just not that important to me.  Now a badass watch, that's another matter entirely!  We're going to get them engraved once we get dates sorted out.

Now, he's already bought the ring, I'm having it sized, so when we're ready to marry, everything is in order.  He got me a .72 carat round diamond and platinum ring.  Man is it ever gorgeous!  I have never had a ring like this in my life!  And I'm excited!

Aren't we funny!?!  We haven't even set a date! LOL!

We have some people that we wanted to be our witnesses, and I don't want to set a date until they are ready to be happy for us.  It means too much to me.  I want them smiling and wishing us well, not upset that we are getting married.  No, it's not my kids, I wouldn't do this if it upset my kids, but they are both OK with it.  They just requested that I keep my late husbands last name and add a hyphen.  It was easy to say yes to that, because it was already what I had planned to do!  

 That was a great relief, my son was dragging his feet when I first started dating Rick, but he has come to like him, talk to him, ask him for guitar playing advice.  He is accepting now that I am not going to go into a convent, and my life did not stop at age 39, when my husband passed away.  Both of my children see that I am happy, and can tell that Rick is a big part of that happiness.  I still have a lot of living to do!  And I have a lot of life inside of me, bursting to come out.

Soooooooooo, are we having a "wedding"? Are we going to go to the Justice of the Peace?  Are we going to run off to Vegas?  I DON"T KNOW!

I would love to have a small wedding outside somewhere beautiful, the problem with that is a bunch of people will want to come.  Going to the JP is only an option if we can get the witnesses we want.  Vegas sounds like a blast, but I'd want our kids to go too, so thats a planning nightmare.

So, I'm not going to keep talking about this, driving you all crazy.  Only when I know something definite will I speak of this again, little grasshoppers!

Hope you are all having a great weekend!

Went last night and saw "Finding Neverland", can you ever have too much Johnny Depp?  I didn't think so.  Saw a preview for the new Choclate Factory, and Bluesoid said he would like to see it, so more Depp coming up! Yay!

After seeing "Finding Neverland" and "Lemony Snicket" a week apart, I really need to focus on going to movies without death for a bit.  Both of these movies are about children losing their parents, and I see shadows of my children's faces in the faces of the young actors.  I'm torn between yelling at the screen to stop acting what you can't begin to imagine, and running off to find my kids and make sure they are OK.  I remember those haunted looks.

I remember my son asking "Why did he have to die?" and my answer was the same as Johnny's in Finding Neverland - "I don't know."  Shitty answer at best, but the only truth.

I have a problem sometimes being patient with people who don't want to be patient with my kids grief work.  Does that make sense?  If you didn't lose someone so close to you, you have no business judging.  Who the hell are you to say they should be getting over it, or I'm being too easy on them, or coddling them too much.  If a parent you adored didn't die when you were a teenager, how can you know how they feel, or how long it takes to heal?  I didn't lose mine......I have no idea how they feel, and I cant judge.  I only know how hard it is to lose a spouse after 20 years, and its terribly hard, but is it as hard as losing your father for the rest of your life?  He's not going to be at your graduations, he's never going to play with your children, you're not going to be able to call him when you need an extra hundred bucks, etc., etc.  What a huge hole.

Parents and children are not "replaceable".  My husband is not replaceable either, as the person he was, but I am able to move on and find companionship, a friend, a lover, someone to live with and dream with.  But my kids...........they are fatherless for the rest of their lives.  No one can fill the hole in thier hearts that he left, they will think of him thousands of times, everytime he's not at something he should have been at, everytime someone else is wearing his after-shave, everytime they see someone built like him at the mall, or hear someone laugh kind of like he did.  Or when their own sons do or say things that remind them so much of a man dead these many years..........no, the road my children travel is long and painful, so very painful.  I will do all that is in my power to help them come out of this mentally healthy, and unless you have compassion, only compassion, for them, then keep your opinions to yourself.

No, no one in my life is doing this, I'm just talking in generalities.  Sometimes things that people say flippantly, or without thinking, or just filling the air with sound, cut very deeply into wounds that they dont even know are there.  Like how Johnny Depp did in "Finding Neverland" when he was pretending with the young boy and said he would be like a father to him.  The boy took him literally, and said that he would never replace his father and stopped playing with him.  He didn't mean for the world to take the childs pain lightly, he just didn't know that would affect him the way it did.

My kids were moody and stand-offish during the holidays, and I gave them plenty of room.  I tried not to critisize, and was thankful for every time they let me "hang out" with them.  They pitched in together and bought me a beautiful garnet and diamond bracelet.  They worried about how I was handling the Holidays, I worried about them.  I guess that's love! Ha!

To the one or two of you that read this whole thing, thanks for letting me vent.  Just one of those days, after a night of dreaming.

                     Learning to be Thankful...

I was unable to be Thankful a year ago, drowning under the memories...of you......
                       of Thanksgivings past.
Willing to give anything.....pay any price, to hear you laugh again....
     to smell you...more than the foods of the Holidays, I wanted to smell you, taste you,
        because you had faded from your clothes, your pillow, your robe...
I would have traded my life for yours, and still would.
                How you enjoyed life,... how you loved to just live, to be, to love.....
                                    to love me, to love our children
It's so unfair, that someone who relished each minute of life, took joy in so many things,
              gave friendship and help to so many, (in how many weddings were you best man?)
                      would be given a life so short................it's so very unfair
And last year, I was angry, so very angry, and sick with loss, and sad, and hopeless...miserable.

Then came Time, that wonderful/awful thing, that with each sunset, takes me farther from you,
      yet allows me to breathe without pain again, to laugh, to look forward.....
Now, to you, my dear one, I can finally say "Thank you"........

Thank you for loving me, marrying me, sharing your life with me, of all the people you could have chosen...

Thank you for these wonderful children, I'm honored to have been your childrens mother..

Thank you for not running when I decided the night I met you that I was going to marry you...
    and for walking down the aisle with someone you had only known 3 months and 10 days....

Thank you for loving my family, and working hard to get along with them....

Thank you for working so hard for so many years, you did it for us, not yourself, the ultimate sacrifice..

Thank you for showing me how wonderful an unselfish person is, such a rarity....

Thank you for teaching me to give more than take, to let the little things go

Thank you for being so totally committed to me, unconditional love is the ultimate gift...

Thank you for making sure I was taken care of should something happen to you, you saved my life....

Thank you for showing me how to see the bright side of things, to expect the best from people,
               to kindly not notice when their best is not given..I know I let you down sometimes

Thank you for buying annual passes to Disneyland, for countless trips to Yosemite, Monterey, Belknap.....
                            just because I loved these places so much.

Thank you for the many, many cards you gave me over the years..........now I take them out a few at a time..... and read them, and remember that you thought I was special, and I feel special all over again.

These are of course, just a part of the things I can be thankful for now, there's too many to list.  But you know my heart, and you know I truly am thankful for every moment, even the bad times, the scary times, the tense times.  I'm thankful, so thankful.........

And I know you so well, I know what you think about my life, I know you are watching, I know you want the best for me, for me to be happy, and I know.........without doubt, that if you could, you'd do this.......

Like A Stone

On a cobweb afternoon
In a room full of emptiness
By a freeway I confess
I was lost in the pages
Of a book full of death
Reading how we'll die alone
And if we're good we'll lay to rest
Anywhere we want to go

(chorus)
In your house I long to be
Room by room patiently
I'll wait for you there
Like a stone I'll wait for you there
Alone

On my deathbed
I will pray
To the gods and the angels
Like a pagan to anyone
Who will take me to heaven
To a place I recall
I was there so long ago
The sky was bruised
The wine was bled
And there you led me on

(chorus)
In your house I long to be
Room by room patiently
I'll wait for you there
Like a stone
I'll wait for you there
Alone

And on I read
Until the day was done
And I sat in regret
Of all the things I've done
For all that I've blessed
And all that I've wronged
In dreams until my death
I will wander on

audioslave
 

Last night my sis-in-law, (don't hold it against me that shes such a lousy poster) my son and my daughter went to see "The Producers" traveling show at the Hult Center here in Eugene.  Great show!  Too bad they didn't bring Broderick and Lane along, but it was still spectacular.  The sets were huge and detailed, large orchestra, lots of dancers, cool costumes.

Very funny show, I would recommend it to anyone.

It helped being there in the middle of that big mess, my eyes and the front of my head were enjoying the spectacle of it all.  Only my sub-conscious was reliving "the night".  Even in the dark, I knew exactly what time it was, a gift I have (ask Bluesoid).

Ok, right now, I was getting the phone call....
Ok, now I was driving to the basketball court......
The ambulance has taken him away, they insist someone drive my car....
Ok, we got to the hospital about now, idiot driver drives right by, makes wrong turn....what's up???? Hey freaker, dont you know how to drive?
I start screaming, crying, feeling panicky, "Just stop the goddamned car!!!"
Now, I've jumped out of the car at the stoplight,2 blocks away from where I need to be.... and I'm running, running, running to the entrance of the Emergency room.....
About now, they send a nurse out to get me......"Where is he? Take me to him! NOW!"

You get the picture, it's tatooed behind my eyelids, no escaping.  They say it takes 3 to 5 years to recover from that kind of shock, ask her, I think it might take longer.

9:15 - now the doctor is saying to the crowd of paramedics and nurses around him: "OK, lets pronounce him"  My head reels, I fall down, I vomit.  They're talking to me, in some kind of roar, some language I cant understand.  They bring in my sweet 16 year old son. NO! NO! I don't want him to see his dad this way!...I try to speak, nothing comes out except this strange groaning sound.  Shit, 2 hours ago, they were building a shelf together, 2 hours, an eternity ago, a lifetime ago......

The lady paramedic begins to cry, seeing my son with his father; he's holding his dead hand, sobbing softly.

9:30 INTERMISSION - Thank God!  I've had to go stand in the back twice already because of my underlying anxiety, now I call Rick, just to hear his wonderful voice, I'm standing out in the vestibule, listening to my sweetie, smiling, relaxing, another 11th almost over with.

9:40 The last half of the show, hoping I can sit through it, but I end up in the back for about the last 20 minutes of it.  Still great, still funny, still grand, still making me laugh.

Marching out to car with kids, "Wasn't it funny when......".  Neither one mentions it being the 11th.  What are they thinking?  How are they doing?  Why wont they talk to me about it?  Maybe they don't even realize the date, and I don't want to shame them by bringing it up, causing them to feel embarrassed that they are living.......  I want them to live.

Trees by the River

It's been 21 months tonite that he was living his last moments........
I had made one of his favorite dinners

He sat and watched Jeopardy, his favorite show.
He was happy because it was High Schoolers competing,
and he knew most of the answers......

He and our son put together a shelf I had bought that day
so our son could display his trophies.  They played "sword fight"
with the tubular arms of the unit.  I can still hear it clacking and them ...
laughing

At about a quarter to eight, he came out of the bedroom,
his basketball clothes on...."Wanna come watch me play?"
No, I think I'll clean the kitchen, you'll only be gone an hour......

"OK, see you in an hour, then, preshie"......
He lied...the last words I ever heard.

Preshie, short for Precious, sometimes just Presh
That was what he called me.......

Foggy life.........yep, that's how mine is sometimes, but this last week, I've been seeing something, er, someone, to be more precise, much clearer.  And I must say..................

This man makes me happy!

Those of you who read me regularly know who he is....he turned me into a Xangan, after all!

Sweet Man
You've burrowed yourself into my heart
With your sweet smile, soft kisses, warm touch;
Your patience has astounded me
I don't know many folks who would hold me
while I cry for love lost
and not be intimidated.......
go softly into my home and meet his children
let me talk about my hurt, try hard to understand my loss and pain

your grumbly voice makes my heart skip a beat,
your arms pulling me close...
you make my heart melt;
those emotions I packed away in there, (I thought for good)
you've been slowly unfolding them,
I've been looking them over, these feelings
and realizing that they are safe to share
with you, sweet man.

I  You!

Yeah, its smooshy and pathetic.....too bad!

Maybe someday, I'll write an ode to my big ol'bad-assed F150! Ha!

Man, truck, camera, cats,.......what else does a girl need?  Oh, I know! Chocolate!

Where did this Life go?

Like a window, permanently shut.  I come by often, and pull the curtains back,....... peer through the window, see what was,.... what is gone forever.  That woman that was me, wife, mother, all-American happy family woman.  She's over there, on the other side of the glass. She's not me anymore.  I ache for these people,  I see them through the glass, but I can no longer touch them, feel them, hear them.  I study them as through a microscope.  What did you think, woman that was me?  Did you think it would last forever?

He died, without so much as a "Goodbye", he left me alone in this physical world.  The next week, my daughter turned 18, my son quickly followed.  Yes, they are still here, but not in the same way.  Like planets knocked out of our orbits, we careen around each other, trying to avoid collision.  Being with me reminds them that he's missing, they cant pretend.

Yes, they need me in times of trouble, when they are down or want money, laundry done, car fixed.  But they don't need me anymore for things like Monopoly... camping... rides to their friends house...comfort when they're scared...movie buddy, someone to share a joke with.  They dont need me to wipe their nose, ground them, make them write Thank You notes, make cupcakes, be a friend.  Sometimes I feel so lonely and useless.  My life sometimes seems like a black-hole of nothingness.  When he left, he took his family with him.  He took who we were, and left us stranded, to start again.

Today my sister-in-law asked me if I could remember his laugh........of course I can.  She admitted she could not, it's been 20 months, and already he starts to fade, this good man.  This makes my throat tight, and my heart pound, and my eyes burn.  How dare the world forget?!

Here we are, Christmastime, we don't know he only has two months left to be with us.  We visit with one of our old exchange students from Norway....so happy to see him.  I'm so glad they got to see each other one last time.  My whole life is about to be turned upside-down.  I'm only 39.......What would I give? If only, if only............it can make you crazy.

I see them, they are waving to me.  Now it seems they are waving "Good-bye"......the river of life has taken them away.

    ~All I know from my own experience is that the more loss we feel, the more grateful we should be for whatever it was we had to lose.  It means we had something worth grieving for.  The ones I'm sorry for are the ones that go through life not even knowing what grief is ~ Frank O'Connor

Boy, talk about a cold comfort - the thought that we should be grateful we're not like those poor folks who've never loved anyone this much.  But I do know I wouldn't trade with them - wouldn't trade the years I enjoyed with him to be free of the pain - at the cost of never having known Bob at all.  No, thats not a bargain I could accept.  I AM Grateful for so much.

My latest angel card is Ooniemme (Oon-ee-em), the Angel of gratitude.  I must admit, I had a couple of you on my mind, along with myself, when meditating to pull a card, those that have lost spouses or deep loves.  So when I drew Her, I was a bit perplexed....Be grateful?  Be full of Gratitude?  But the truth is, I am.....in many ways.  I am grateful for this life, even with its pain, I'm grateful for the flowers and trees, family and friends, freedom and shopping malls to buy things in.  I'm grateful for my new job, my truck, my home, the cabin, the little finch telling me to get lost.  Having drank to the bottom a huge cup of grief, I think maybe these things seem somehow sweeter, clearer, I appreciate them more, knowing how fleeting things can be.

In the changing of the seasons, I find promise and hope.  Life continues here without him, and I am relearning that I am alive.  It will be 20 months tomorrow.  I hate the 11th.  I never thought I'd be able to do it, move back out into the stream of life.  Of course, its not the same life, I am diminished, not the same person I was.

But lately, I am not so weighted down by grief, I'm laughing, enjoying movies, food, conversation, being with family and friends.  It amazes me at times, and I'm sure it makes him happy.  I feel like I'm on a path of healing, a journey of hope and trust.  What do I have to lose? I have so much to gain..........

As saddened as I am by loss, I am full of gratitude for the rich friendship and love Rick has brought into my life. Thank you so much for so many, many things.  I appreciate you!