And this is the deck the first pic is taken from.  I'm so glad the weather is getting cooler, so I can use the hot tub more.  My sister in law will only get in the tub when its warm, and I love it when it's cool and even when its rainy!  It's wonderful!  It has a radio/CD player right in it, so I put in my Coldplay CD, turn on the funky lights, and soooooaaaaaaak!

I moved to this house after my husband died.  I could see him, smell him, hear him in every corner and hallway of our old house, so I bought this one.  It really helped me then, but now, I'm sometimes wistful when I drive past the old place.  Now the memories of him aren't so horribly painful, they have become sweet.  Sometimes I'm tempted to walk up and ask if I can come in for a moment, but I know it looks totally different now, and the "spirit" of the house is different, and deep down, I don't want to layer the new family's home over my own precious memories. So I stay away.  And I know he likes this new home just fine.

I said yesterday that I was going to pull a couple of Angel cards regarding this new job..........I drew Raphael, Angel of Healing, and Fortunata, Angel of Prosperity!!!!!!!!  Raphael means "God cures", does this mean this job might help me heal, or does it mean I need to heal more before I take a job?  I'm not sure, so I asked him to send me clarity and love for my healing process.  As for Fortunata, I asked her to help me see the truth, and focus on it, to align my mind and feelings to support my desires.  This job is not about the money so much as will it bring me "abundance"... things like fulfillment, satisfaction, joy, a reason to put on makeup! LOL

Thank you all so much for your words of support! 

Well, Bluesoid helped me put up my spider-webby background, I tried to remember everything he was doing, but..............oh well, another excuse to have him come over!

I've been trying to decide if I chose cobwebs because they are EVERYWHERE right now, or because I've been trying to fight through some of the ones that have taken up residence in my mind.  I used to be so quick, annoyingly so, but now, it seems I have to take time and think through the big stuff.

Is this just because I'm growing up? Becoming wiser?  Did my husbands sudden death accellerate my growth?  I know it made me slow down, look at all sides of things.  I am not quick to anger, I try to process the situation, think it through..........I do not want to wound the ones I love with harsh unnecessary words or actions.  I am less selfish, and when I try to concentrate on the "good" things that might have possibly come from his death, that is at the top of the list.

I want to clear away these cobwebs, I want to retain in my mind the little hints that life gives me.  I want to clearly see how to deal with my family and my life situations.  Above all, I want to be compassionate, full of love.  If I need to deal with my childrens issues, I want to err to the "soft" side of my heart, and not be overly harsh.  I know you mothers know what I am meaning, there are times you have to dig in and fight WW3, but the little skirmishes?  I dont want to be in a constant state of distress and annoyance with them.  I want them to want to be around me........I need them in my life.  They are 18 and 19, going from catterpillar to butterfly.......I want to be there to share in the beauty that is their journey.

Happy Monday to all of you.

ITS A LEMON PAST AN ASPARAGUS!

Yes, this ugly clock hangs in my dining room.  I got it for a Mothers Day present 10 or 11 years ago from my kids and husband.  I have hung it on the wall ever since, of course, like a good mom, but I cringe! Ha!

I have a little something to say about this clock, but it involves talking to a medium, so any of you who don't believe in that psychic stuff (Bluesoid comes to mind! I still love you sweetie!) can stop reading now and stare at the wonder that is my Ugly Clock.

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I went to talk to a wonderful medium here in Eugene a little over a month ago, wanting to learn how to communicate with my guides better.  She gave me some tips, (which work great, by the way) and helped me learn some practices for focusing and clearing my mind of the constant chatter I generate on my own, and listening to the spirit world.

She said that my guides had someone that wanted to talk to me, and all of a sudden, my husband started talking about the agreement I had made when selling our insurance agency, he was not happy with his partners, felt they could have helped me better, and that he would never have treated their wives that way had they crossed over.

Wow!  I knew it was him, how could she bring up something so random?  And of course, that would be something that would really chafe him, as he was a very caring and fair person in life, definitely an old soul.  What's funny is, I knew they didn't give me the best deal, but I just wanted out so desperately, I was willing to take less than it was worth, and I have not fretted over the decision, or the price agreed upon.  I chuckle now to think of him getting annoyed at his partners. (and probably at me for not demanding more)

While he was alive, he drank a cup of coffee every morning, and I drank orange juice, didn't care for coffee at all.  A few days after he died, maybe the day of the funeral, my sister brought me a Starbucks coffee, some sweet mocha thingy, and as I sipped it, it was like an instant addiction!  The next morning when I woke up, I wanted COFFEE!  And I wanted it BAD.  But it tasted so nasty black (the way he drank it), and I had to doctor it up with anything in the house.  After a few weeks of experimenting, I found a creamer I could stand, and I had a cup of coffee every morning.  It was crazy!  but I NEEDED it!

The medium says to me "He says he had a cup of coffee every morning, but you put creamer in it"------ohmigod!  I have it on tape, I had to listen again to make sure I wasn't delirious!

The craziest thing about that is now, since talking to her, that desire for a cup of coffee is not nearly so strong, I even go without coffee some mornings.

Now to the clock - "He says you have a clock in the kitchen,.... he knows NOW that you don't like that clock, but he wants you to know he does like it, thats why he bought it, so there!"

Now I can't look at that clock without smiling, I love that damned ugly clock, so there!

Today I was thinking about how life goes on, like a river, it just keeps going, finding new paths if need arises, always changing.......carrying some things away, bringing new.

I think about how my life has changed these past 2 years.......when my husband died, I stood upon a precipice........a huge black hole had opened up right in front of me, a chasm, and I was too paralyzed to step into it;  or to step away from it........ just looked over the edge into the darkness, reminding my body to breathe in, breathe out.  That in itself was painful enough.

So much of who I was died with him. Bob died = Bob's wife no longer existed either.  People seem to think widows have lots of free time.  Bullshit.  I had twice the work and half the staff!  Insurance agent died = other partner had to come out of old work habits and start doing it ALL.  No wonder I got ulcers.....I felt very sorry for myself, for him, for our kids, for what I had lost.

Then there's my friend, Katie.  In one moment, a truck came by and took away her husband, her 2 year old daughter, even her dog.  In one moment, Katie was left completely alone at 32 years old.  It's been a little over a year, now. 

I still had my children and my dog, yet I felt if I turned sideways, I would disappear.......that black hole yawned in front of me, "What the hell do I do now?"

I watched Katie like a hawk, how did she go on breathing?  How did she not turn to vapor?  Behind her eyes was this vast emptiness.  I had lost my spouse, and was drowning, she lost Everything!  I could not begin to fathom. 

She said her daughter, Olivia, was wearing panties instead of diapers for the very first day, and was so proud of herself!  Katies last memory before the accident - she is turned around, looking over the seat, telling Olivia what a "big girl" she is, how she's going to get a treat after pre-school.........she doesn't see the truck coming, only hears her husband's yelp as he tries to avoid the accident.  30 seconds sooner or later would have made all the difference, something she will always contemplate.

Katie has decided to move away, sold the house they had worked on together........... it's his family up here, and although she loves them, it's still his family......... hers is down in the San Fransisco area.  She's decided to go live with her brother and his family.  How to start again?  I sent her flowers on her last day of work. What else was there to do?

Katie, you'll never know what an example you've been to me.  Your course in the river was changed so drastically...... I hope someday you can find some peace,.........find a way to live again, even a tiny bit.

Guess I should tell a bit about the joy of being "me".  I have 2 wonderful teenagers, a daughter, 19, and a son, 18.  My wonderful husband died suddenly 19 months ago of a heart attack.

He was a ripe old 46, and I was a widow at 39, after 20 fabulous years.  So now starts the rebuilding process,  all old plans are kaput, new plans must be made..........in that process now.

Both kids attend college here in good ol Eugene, most beautiful Emerald City.  I feel very blessed to live where I do.  All my friends in California and elsewhere are always trying to think up reasons to "visit".  That's just fine, its good to have friends.

I have a house here in Eugene, and a cabin on a wide spot called Leaburg Lake on the beautiful McKenzie River, so I always have room for friends and family.

I've joined Xanga so I can keep up with Bluesoid, a man of immense energy and intelligence.  Very happy to have met him, I am.  So many wonderful talents, things that really matter!  I love a man who is unafraid of a dishcloth, knows how to cook and do laundry, and will sit down and play a little "geetar" and sing me a song or two. (swoon!)

We've been having lots of fun, and he's supplied plenty of reasons for me to smile again!  I love a dry wit, and his is like a fine wine.  I didn't realize how much I missed laughing, and just touching another human being, being close, what a gift he has been!  Thank you, Rick.

I've had the great joy of meeting his beautiful daughter, who is so very sweet, kind and well grounded.  I can tell a good job has been done in the kid raising department by Bluesoid and his ex (who I also have had the pleasure of meeting, very nice lady).  He has nothing but kind words for his ex-spouse, which is always so nice in this world of bitterness and selfishness.  That gave him points with me also! Ha!  And the daughter, what a gem of a young lady.  She also made points with me, being a fellow lover of Anime and computer games.  She's got her head on straight for sure!  I was looking forward to doing some fun stuff with her this weekend, but someone decided to get a cold, and although its just fine to infect me, he doesn't want her to catch it!  Such a thoughtful dad.

I have 3 cats and a dog named Penny, who owns me.  She is smarter than a lot of humans I've met!  I was an insurance agent for a long time, running an agency with my husband.  I sold it after his death. Don't do a whole lot, jobwise, right now.  I cook the books for my brothers plumbing company, and look after his 3 year old (my little life-saver!).  I don't really need to work, but someday when I'm feeling human again, I might get out there just to have a reason to put on makeup.

I waffle between that and the desire to sell my Eugene house and go be a hermit at the cabin and never wear makeup again! Ha!  I'll let you know if I ever make a decision.