June 8, 2005

  • He died alone…..


    In a gym full of strangers, with a few aquaintances and friends staring, confused.  Standing around him; circus like.


    He fell down and died. No one who loved him was there to take notice, to run over and embrace him.  No one who shared his life with him, who loved him dearly, who depended on his always being there, was by his side to help him die.  No one to whisper “I love you! I love you!”, or hold his hand, no last loving look, or kiss on the forehead……….He died all alone…..


    No one wants to die that way, all by themselves……sent into the great unknown isolated, unaccompanied by the love of family and friends.  “If you have to die, that’s the way to go”, says the emergency room doctor, “quick and painless, he didn’t even know he was dead.  I hope that’s the way I go….”


    Replies the new widow – “Not at 46….”  The doctor reaches out and takes her hand, knowing there is no appropriate response.  “Not at  46….” she says again, quietly. 


    Thoughts of how the future will be without him rise up to choke me.  He still had so much living to do, so much! And I’m angry, so angry.  He was robbed!  We were robbed……How dare this happen to us? I mentally shake my fist at God….”He didn’t even get to say good-bye!”, to make peace with things, to hug his children, kiss his wife……..does he really not know he’s dead?  How can he not miss us?!  Suffocating thoughts.


    Not the typical heart-attack for him, no pain shooting down the arm, no tightening of the chest, no thrashing around trying to breathe, no chance of being saved.  At the top of the heart, the little box that generates electricity, that shocks the heart, that makes it beat, that gives us life.  We all have one.  His decides to quit; just quit.  No 30 day notice, just…….stop, melt, explode; they use lots of adjectives to explain to me that it is hopeless.  That a part of his heart is gone. Damaged beyond repair,….


    So is mine!


    The Medical examiner explains that when this happens, there is no pain, the heart just stops pumping, and in a minute or so, the brain, starved for oxygen, makes you dizzy, then you faint. You don’t know you are dead.  A last few blissful seconds of thinking nothing is wrong.  


    Since he was playing basketball, it probably happened much quicker, 15 seconds or so.  He fell down, hard.  Bounced on the floor.  What were his last thoughts?  “Wow, I’m really dizzy”, or “Gosh, I think I’m going to pass-out”, or ……..


    Those last thoughts weren’t of us, I’m sure.  Because he didn’t know.  He didn’t know they were his last.


     

Comments (36)

  • Wow.  I knew from reading your previous posts that your first husband had died but reading it today – well, I just don’t know what to say except I’m glad you survived such an unexpected tragedy.  There were probably many days when you thought you weren’t going to.  I’m glad you wrote this and I hope today brings you joy. 

  • Having lived through my father’s year long cancer battle, and my grandfather’s being bed ridden for over two years while my grandmother took care of him, not knowing who anyone was anymore, I think I would much rather lose someone this way. Even though it is a shock, it is much better than watching the suffering. I have to believe that they are not really gone, but always watching over our lives. 

  • Dropping by to say Hi!

  • /hugs, lots of them

  • 2 years ago that’s what happend to my Aunt, she was 47 years old.  Suddenly unexpected.  I was sooo  :frustrated:  I’m still not over it

  • *Great big hug* *wipes tears*

    I am crying so much right now. You have a heart of gold. I love how you love him still, so genuinely. I’m sorry you miss him terribly, Shellie. *HUGS*

  • I know nothing can ever resolve that shocked feeling you had!! I have seen one thing that you even recognize… he lived his life in such a way that he had no regrets when he went home.

    Being a PK I have seen many times where a family is shaken by a traumic loss but their loss is hopeless because their loved one left this earth with broken relationships or with final memories of rage that never can be resolved.

    You have cherished memories. I hope some day my loved ones can say the same thing about me when I am gone. I want them to remember the good times and not the loss.

    I don’t think he died without think of you and the family. You can tell that by his life. He was always thinking of others. I bet even to the end he thoughts were with you! If his life didn’t shout it… a few moments at the end couldn’t have changed it. He lived it!!!

  • Nothing we can say can make it better – I lost my mom very unexepected and I can say that her death has made me a stronger person. The hurt and pain that I have pales in comparison to your pain but it in all makes us a stronger person. Not that being strong matters right now, but sometimes we have to wait years and years to see the big picture on why it all happened. Lots of hugs to you today :)

  • I just read this aloud to Frank…and then we just sat in silence.  I really can’t think of a good way to die.  No matter how I try, if I could choose a way, they all end up with people being left out in the end or things being undone.

    I guess the only real thing that makes any sense to me is to love hard and make it all real.  If we could always keep it in our minds that this could be the last second…

    You just break my heart.  Will I ever have to feel that?  Or will Frank? 

    Give Rick a big hug.  Maybe you’ll feel a little better….

  • I lost my beloved dad years ago when he was just 46 and I was 14.  I watched as he lost a year-long battle with cancer.  The thing that stayed with me most, which still haunts me after nearly 30 years, is that losing a loved one makes death real to you.  Oh sure, you’ve always known people die and you will one day as well.  But it’s still abstract. . .something in the distance. . . But when death visits your inner circle it’s no longer abstract; it’s concrete.  It doesn’t just happen. . .it HAPPENS to anyone, at any time.  You begin to wonder who’s next–your brother, your best friend, even you?  Death changes from a possibility to a probability, and I’m reminded of it every time I go for a pap test or a mammogram.  And that sucks.

    Your remembrance made me sob.  My heart is hugging yours.

  • I rarely comment, but I always read. I am so sorry for your family.

  • {{{{((((my arms around you))))}}}}

  • makes you think about what really is important in life.

  • Just poppin’ in to say Hello  :wave:

  • Aw honey. . .sounds like you and I are having a difficult time this week. . .I’m usually okay, but for some reason, her being gone on her birthday really got to me this year. . .I hope all of your loving family attends to you like mine did for me. . . big hugs to you sweetie~K.K.

  • I don’t even know what to say… I am speechless honey… (((huggles)))

  • Ohhhh, that’s so sad. I’m so sad for your loss. HUGS

  • You inspire me; that you picked up, and how you went on to live your life with such heart and humor. I have long believed that it’s not our problems that define us so much as our response to them. Your posts either make me laugh out loud or cry. You have so much passion.

  • I don’t think that anyone who is loved by others is ever truly alone.  They carry us in their hearts.

  • You are such a good writer. Thank you for sharing that piece of your heart. I agree with DoWhaChaDo. He lived his love for you in his life. Fron what you have shared about him, I doupt you were ever far from his thoughts or his heart. It is a rare gem to love like that. And now what a blessing you have in Rick! You are one lucky lady to have such beautiful men to love you. BIG HUGS!!!! emlee

  • Time does not shadow the love or memories of our departed ones, let us smile at the happy times we shared with them, to always keep that love burning like an everlasting candle. RITA.   

  • Oh…I am stunned.  Most of us who have “made it” to the 40′s have had the unfortune to have lost (or know someone who has) lost a loved one unexpectedly.  There is no easy way to do this and the fist shaking does help.  Never feel guilty about that…keep shaking until you get some answers.  When my dad died; I felt too small to ask “why?” and now, looking back…well; there are no easy ways to get through this.  Blessings and Namaste’

  • Very powerful! We never know do we?
    ~Thoughts through the looking glass~
    Hope you are having a great day!
    Karolyn   @-}-}- 
    Enjoyed my visit here!

  • Take comfort in knowing he knew how much his family loved him and that it was over quickly.  Yes he was too young, but from the sound of it, he was a good man and he accomplished everything he was put on this earth to do. 

  • flesh is weak…..   Only the spirit can be with god….

  •  :waaahh:Oh, my gosh…………what would I do, if my husband left me like that.

     :waaahh:I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry, there are not really enough words to say how truly sorry I am.

    I love you and am amazed by your spirit.

    Steph :waaahh:

  • I’m sure he’s been with you since then, watching you, guiding you, letting you know things are ok with him.   :grouphug:  This is what we all want to do to you!

  • WOW!
    It really makes you think about making sure the people you love always know how much you love them every minute of every day. I guess very few people have the chance to really be ready to go when God calls them home. Just live every day like it’s the last.

  • Gosh girl, I felt as if I was there with you when you went through your horrible loss.  You do write so well.  Major hugs to you……..   :bighug:

  • Not the first time you’ve made me cry; I’m sure it’s not the last.  Sometimes from sadness; sometimes from silliness.  I admire the way you have come through this with so much love still to give; so much enjoyment of the life you still have to live.  Blessed be.

  • Tell us your Ok.   :smack!:

  • This was so depressing. ;/

  • There is no why…there is just what IS. A friend’s child died this morning of congenital heart disease…his transplanted heart gave out at the age of 20. It isn’t fair, nothing ever is I think. And we just go on….
    Love you and wish I knew some way to ease your pain a little.
    S2

  • This post brought tears to my eyes.  I’ve always wanted to die away from everyone so no one would have the terrible memories of my last moments.  I think I’ve changed my mind.

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