My Diary entry from January 31st, 2004………Two years ago today.

I think I’ve come a long way, even though it’s still tough at times……

I’m not ready for February!  I don’t want to start the countdown! What the Hell!?!  Why does everything and everyone just keep going along like nothing happened?

And everyone who thinks I should be “bouncing back” will have new ammo -”It’s been a year! Get on with your life!” Sometimes I want to scream at them to SHUT-UP! I can’t do what is NOT possible!  Get on with my life?!  My life died a year ago, didn’t you hear?

What Life?  He WAS my life!!!

I JUST WANT MY OLD LIFE BACK!!!  Is this asking too much?  Where do I go to complain?  Is God, or whoever it is out there – does He hear me?  Does he even care?! Did I do something bad?  Am I being punished?

I feel so awful……….so unhappy. 

How many women have been lucky enough to have a great love?  I had one for 20 years…….

He took good care of me. 

Stop whining

How do you say goodbye to someone who is part of you?  Someone who’s death makes it hard for you to breathe?

I cant believe he’s been dead almost a year. I just heard his voice!

I hate my life

 

I miss you, baby, so much…….

Did you know deep down inside how much I loved you?

I will feel guilty forever – responsible for your death……

I was so worried about money, not seeing the signs, and there were all KINDS of signs now that I look back………………Tons…….

I just couldn’t grasp that you would leave me so young…….That you were so fragile, when I thought you were so strong………..

So darned strong

 

Where are you?

Can we just skip February, please?……..

I’m wound up tighter than an eight day clock.  My son comes by today, and we start talking about the 3 year anniversary of Bob’s death, and what we are going to do to mark the day.  He asks me questions about the night his dad died, and we both talk about what we remember was going on.  I was talking about how the doctor said Bob didn’t feel any pain, probably just got a bit dizzy, I could see Bobby drinking up this information again.  He asked me about several things that happened that night.  This is the very first time he has ever just talked to me about his dad’s death, and what went on that day, and that evening, and how he felt, and what he thought……………I know it sounds strange to all of you, but it was such a good feeling in my deepest heart of hearts that my son could finally talk about that night, and talk about his dad dying, and still have a smile on his face in some parts of the conversation, he didn’t have that haunted look in his eyes he usually gets when I mention anything about Bob.  Such a relief.

We agreed we were both dreading the anniversary, and I said that the “build up” to a certain date was almost always worse than living through the actual day itself, i.e. Christmas, or his birthday, etc.  Bobby agreed that it was that way for him too…..

So today, I’m having waves of anxiety, they were already there, but having the conversation with my son stirred up the pot, for sure.  Rick and the Princess and I were out and about, and suddenly we were driving by the apartment that I lived in when Bob died.  It reached right out and grabbed me so hard! Squeezed me so tight! I could see our cars in the parking lot, the tomato basket hanging off my daughters balcony……..

Then we sit at the light, waiting for the left turn arrow.  I want away from here in the worst way……..How many times did we walk through that intersection, on our way to Dairy Queen?  I see Bob, with my nephew Jake sitting on his shoulders, on our way to get an icecream……..my chest gets tighter…………tighter…………come on light! change already!

I want to ask the Princess to cover her ears, so I can scream at the top of my lungs….why is this frigging light taking so long?!  Finally it changes, and we drive into the parking lot of the grocery store.  I get my mind off of it for a bit, but as I reach into the frozen foods for a bag of peas, my back siezes up……..dammit!  Now I hobble up to the checkout lane, Rick trying to take care of everything, so I can slowly walk towards the car.  Gosh, I love him!

So…….here I am, sitting in Ricks recliner while he makes dinner, with the vibrate and heat going, trying to get my back to unclinch itself.  I’m fine! really!

But can we please just skip February…..?

Ahh, Wednesday!  and I’m staying right here in my family room, processing paperwork for my job……….at least, that’s what I’m supposed to be doing, but here I am, Xangaing instead…….has anyone started a Xanga Annonymous group yet?

Rick and I went to a mediocre Mexican restaurant for dinner last night (hey! we had a coupon!!) and then to the Bijou, the “Best movie theatre in the West”, (named so by mybobbers, movie theatre critic extrodainaire)  to see “Good Night and Good Luck”.  What a great civic’s lesson this movie is!  Of course, that’s why its only being shown in little artsy-fartsy movie theatres, because there’s no guns, sex, nudity or elves.  Just a lesson in history, and how we are doomed to repeat it, simply because we don’t want to take the time to be reminded of what happened last time – during the McCarthy era, when just gossip and hearsay could get someone thrown out of the military without a hearing, or held in prison without a trial, or your family’s name smeared across the front pages, because maybe……….just maybe, you or your grandpa might be a communist.  Before that, in WW2, you might be Japanese, and of course now, you might be a Terrorist.  Man, why is hindsight so clear, and nowsight so cloudy?

Got our photos from the Christmas Party back!  Here in the first one, Rick gets groped……

 

And in the second one, Rick rewards the grope-ee!

Tomorrow! Tomorrow!

Rick’s gonna get some kind of prize for putting up with me for ONE WHOLE YEAR!!  Yep, that’s right, one year ago tomorrow, we went down into the dank, dark bowels of City Hall, and in some dimly lit office, I promised to keep him licensed, nuetered and on a leash…

 

Who wouldn’t want to be married to a woman with boobs as big as her head?

He had the nerve to ask me what we were going to do tomorrow night!  I told him that whatever it was, it was going to be something he planned………so feel free to go give him some ideas!  I’d love to go see Brokeback Mountain, maybe he’ll pick that!  

Guess I’ll stop stalling, and get to work.  I’ll probably come harass a few of you, too, so be on the alert!

 

Another 11th has flowed by………….next month is a biggie – 3 years……….I’m dreading it already

Shhhhh, I pulled a fast one on Richard!

I couldn’t tell you guys, cause then he would know, but our ONE WHOLE YEAR (of marriage!) ANNIVERSARY is coming up soon, so I asked him if he would spend a weekend going with me to do some property inspections that were way out in Eastern Oregon – about 200 miles from home.

SOOOOOOOO – after we got on the road, I told him we were going on an Anniversary trip!  And our first stop was the Kah-nee-ta Resort, Spa and Casino on the Warm Springs Indian Reservation in Eastern Oregon.  It is in the fricking middle-of-nowhere!  It took us over 3 hours to get there, and it’s way up in the high desert.

We left on Thursday evening and arrived at Kah-nee-ta about 8:30, grabbed a quick dinner in the restaurant, which was empty. They were friendly and more than happy to make us some dinner, we were the last folks with reservations to arrive, so they were waiting for us…..so nice! And my salad!  It had pecans and huckleberries and Oregon Bleu Cheese dressing…….heaven!  After that we headed to the casino, we agreed to play with a $20.00 limit…. I know, we’re big gamblers, lol!  I won $50.00! Woot! So we ended up ahead $38.00 for the night…. That’s right bay-bee!  I had the mojo going!

On Friday morning, we got up and went down to the hot springs, this is the ladies locker room, I loved the colors of the stones they used in here

The hot springs pool was huge!  And it went from 3 feet to 10 feet deep.  Again, we were the only folks there!  I love traveling in January!

Oh, I forgot, we shared the pool with three bears that were busy fishing……….

Of course, we had to try out the slide!  Here’s my Ricky-poo, just hitting the water!

And I’m laughing my ass off after coming down myself! What a rush!  We had a blast, and really enjoyed relaxing on Friday.

Then we started driving North, up towards the Columbia Gorge.  I loved the red dirt here on the reservation.  Click on this if you’d like to see it enlarged.  It was lovely!

We saw several signs along the way showing a horse running, then we got to see the real thing!  There were about ten of them running towards us on the road, so I quickly got off the road, and as they ran by us, they went on the other side to avoid the cattle guard, and whinnied and kicked their feet to let us know how tough they were, a street gang of wild horses!  LOL! This sight really made our day.

After they passed by the car, they got right back up on the road and kept running.  I wonder why they prefer the paved road?

Here’s a photo from that same road of Mt. Jefferson, my favoritest mountain ever! Of course, these photos cannot begin to show you the depth and richness of the land, you’ll have to come visit to see it for yourself.

We got up on the Columbia Gorge, and had a wonderful time looking at all the pretty stuff, even if it was gray and rainy.  I had intended to take Rick to the Maryhill museum and Stonehenge   The great Washington State photographer and all around wonderful gal Sandy had visited there, and posted such amazing photos I really wanted to visit there myself, but it was CLOSED! *sniff*  It’s only open from March to October, so after recovering from that disappointment, I remembered what Debbie, another wonderful Xanga friend from Washington had told me about Skamania Lodge in Washington.  So we stayed the night there. This photo is from our window in our room!  Thats the lights of the town of Stevenson you can see to the left, and that’s the great Columbia River flowing by!  Just gorgeous! Thanks for reminding me of this Lodge, Debbie!  We had a great time!

What an incredible place!  Thats the Skamania Lodge from the Oregon side of the river.

Sunday morning we went down to the great hall, and had some coffee and watched the clouds and sun play with the river.  I’m going to put this photo on my fridge……sheesh!  I was a Sumo wrestler in a previous life……..

There was a gentleman in the Lobby all dressed up as part of Lewis and Clark’s expedition, and he had some cool old stuff.  Richard loved this small cannon, he even knew what it was called.  Doesn’t he look like he means business?! LOL!

Then we started driving towards Portland, so we could head home.  We stopped at the Lodge at Multnomah Falls and had Sunday Brunch.  Some guy with a real cute tush is helping himself to some Eggs Benedict here.

Here he is on his 3rd or 4th plate, I stopped counting………….those windows behind him look out to the falls

Multnomah Falls!

I had such a wonderful time, having Richard all to myself, we laughed, we played, we ate, we swam, we drove all over the place! Over 600 miles in a weekend.

Happy Anniversary, Sweet man!  The Universe gave me a wonderful gift when it gave me YOU!

Sometimes my blog is like Dumbledore’s Pensieve, just a place to store things that I need to get out of my head.

That’s what I’m doing right now, so feel free to move on - Merry Christmas to all of you, and I’m grateful for all the wonderful friends I’ve met on this amazing invention called the internet.  I’ve found some true “sisters at heart” and even a few “brothers” that I like to tease and give a hard time.  Thank you all for your friendships!

Now for the stuff I need to get out of the back of my mind…..

There are some small towns around Eugene, and three of them, Junction City, Coburg and Harrisburg, have their little “Parade of Lights” usually the Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday before Christmas.  We would decorate up a Lane County Fire Engine, and then there’s a little float you attach to the back, and Santa rides on his chair, waving to the crowds, while his “elfs” throw candy to the kids.  Then the Parade winds up at the Grange Hall, or the Moose Lodge or wherever, and they would carry Santa’s chair in, where he would sit and hand out candy-canes and listen to little kids Christmas wishes.  For the last three Christmases of his life, Bob was this Santa.  He loved every minute of it, and never complained of the rain or cold, or body pillows, or how sweaty he would get, he just loved doing it.  He always loved kids.

The Christmas of 2001, my brother, his wife, and their almost 2 year old terror of a daughter named Jera came for Christmas, and were staying at my dad’s house.  Of course, Bob decided he needed to stop by on his way out to the parade and be Santa for Jera.  So he stopped by in full regailia, and “HoHoHo”ed for her and let her climb all over him and gave her a present.  He wouldn’t let me go, because he didn’t want her to see me and wonder where “Uncle Bob”, or “Untle Bob” (as she said it) was.  She was already in love with him, and was disappointed if I would come over without him.

So after he leaves, my brother says to Jera “Isn’t that so wonderful that Santa came to see you?!” and she looks up from her toy and says “Santa Untle Bob!”.  They were flabbergasted that she figured that out, he had changed his voice and everything.  Then later, when watching Christmas shows, she would point at the TV and squeal “Santa Untle Bob! Santa Untle Bob!”.  My brother says “Thanks a lot Bob! Now she thinks you and Santa are the same guy!”  We all had a good laugh. 

Now, Santa’s everywhere, and every once in a while, when I see one, I hear Jera’s voice “Santa Untle Bob!”

My old in-laws are back to their old selves.  When Bob was alive they went out of their way to make sure I knew my place, that I was NOT one of them.  Then after he died, all of a sudden they accepted me, and treated me like an adult, and it was so refreshing after all those years.  Now that I’ve remarried – back to the old ways!

They sent 3 presents in the mail, one for Kristy, one for Bobby, and one made out to “Shellie, Rick and Rachel”, in it was an 8 Ounce package of Risotto! hahahahahaha!  My son says to me “You’re OUT!” and we laughed.  Then a little later he says “Well, just so you know you’re not one of us anymore…..” with an impish look on his face. 

I think about that, and I know in my heart I never was “one of them”…………I shared their son’s life on a deeper and more loving level than they were ever privileged to, because their behaviour, like the Risotto slam, pushed me away, and in turn, pushed him away, because he loved me best.

I’ve gone from one daughter to three in the past couple of years.  I have Kristy, Rick’s daughter Rachel, and my son’s fiance, Sammi.  I did not play favorites in the present buying game, I got things for Sammi, just like I would for Kristy. Sammi, Rachel, Kristy and Bobby all have stockings stuffed with goodies hanging over my mantle.  They are all family to me.  I don’t ever want to make Rachel or Sammi think they are people I put up with just because “some wedding happened and now you have to be here, but could you please sit at the other end of the table”……………my old in-laws re-inforce this inside of me, if they only knew what influence they’ve had over my life.

Even now, they are able to make me feel small.

So, here we have Bobby and his date to his company Christmas party.  His date warned him that he was underdressed, but being typically 19 and knowing everything that will ever need to be known, he felt that his date was being a pushy mom-type person, and his date, not wanting to be considered mom-type, just shut up and let him go in jeans.

His date has a rather roundish face, don’t you think?  Let’s zoom up and count those chins, shall we?

Three?  Do I see three chins there?  Yes, the wonderful treats of Christmas are being enjoyed by Bobby’s date!  Of course, that damned photographer could have put his lap-top down for 30 seconds and pulled himself away from his computer game, and forced himself to stand-up and take a photo at an angle to hide all those friendly chins, but alas and alack, he could not be bothered to do it.  I guess if he has to look at all those chins, he feels they should be inflicted on all the world.

So then Bobby and his date arrived at the party, where Life taught him a lesson about not under-dressing for Christmas parties.  Notice his contemplative stance as he peruses the room, full of ties and jackets and sequins and little black dresses……….he finally finds another guy wearing jeans and a regular shirt, but when his date points out to Bobby that the guy is wearing skin-tight Wranglers over a rather large butt, and his belt has big silver letters that say D A D across his backside, and maybe a stylish young man like Bobby should not willingly throw himself into the same group as D A D, he has to concede that maybe his mom-type date is occasionally correct.

He decides that next time he invites an older woman along to a party, he’s going to make sure she leaves her camera at home.

Although his mom-type date thought the little paper skirts on the water glass were a nice touch, as they kept the condensation from dripping into her cleavage, the younger guys she was lucky enough to sit with (as they were Bobby’s choice of who to hang around with, of course!) called them “glass-daipers” and made fun of them.

Bobby had managed to hide from his date the fact that he had no-intention-what-so-ever of dancing at this party clear up until the music started!  After she recovered from the disapointment of this proclamation, she did manage to use her force of personality to get him to dance with her twice.  His date danced to “Mustang Sally” and “Love Shack” (personal request to DJ!) and Bobby kind of flailed around like a fish.  Cute as a button!

He scored MASSIVE amounts of points with all the women who work at his company simply because of his good taste in dates, and his date behaved herself and was at her charming best with all of them.  When we were out on the dance floor, you could hear them oohing and aahing and thinking that he was the most wonderful 19 year old they had been around in a long time, even if he was completely under dressed for the occasion.

By 10:00, most of the partiers were feeling no pain, as there was an open bar, and Bobby was deeply disappointed that his date was perfectly happy drinking Diet Coke, and seemed to not understand his broad hints that she should get something a little stronger!!!!!……….yeah, I’m kinda slow like that. ;) Then all of a sudden, several of the guys lost all common sense and started asking the younger guys what they’d like from the bar, and one of them brought Bobby and his date Whiskey and Coke. 

His date did not want to have to kill this man, so she let Bobby have his little drinkie, but when he started to eye hers, she told him she had spit in it! hahahaha!  God, mothers are fast on our feet sometimes!  I also told the alchohol provider that I could tell he was a bad influence on my son, and I expected him to respect a 50 foot MOM restraining order at all times!  Of course, he wont even remember meeting me today…….I will never understand the attraction of drinking yourself into oblivion……

After arriving home, Bobby gave his date a great big warm hug, for which she will smile and remember for years to come, and thanked her for going with him and the good time he had.

A great evening spent with my son – Priceless!

Some of my favorite pictures taken in the last year or so.  The one above is of the Three Sisters here in Oregon

   

Detail of a house in Junction City, Oregon.     

 

Sea Gulls waiting for a treat, Yachats, Oregon

Sunset, Oregon Coast

Autumn, from the hill behind my house.

My nephew – yes, he really is asleep

Mushrooms growing on a log, McKenzie River, Oregon

            

Artsy-Fartsy

Butterflies drinking rainwater

Belknap Springs, Oregon

Water from the McKenzie River

Yes, it rains here in Oregon

Spruce Goose, Howard Hughes huge plane.  That door in the middle is over a football field away.

My fun and funny love

Me and Richard, getting ready to fly off on a vacation…..

To my favorite place on Earth, Yosemite, California.  This is Bridalveil falls.  Rick took this picture, have to give props where they are due!

Old covered bridge in Wawona

 

     

Yosemite Falls behind lightning struck tree.

The fantastically huge and alive Redwoods, making my 6’3″ man seem small

Snow in the Cascades, Oregon

My daughter, my sister and me, trying on ugly lipsticks

Penny, bestest, smartest, wonderfullest dog ever

Wesley on bath day

Hope everyone is having a wonderful week!

Let me know if you’d like to exchange real Christmas cards, Time is running out!

I was reading my journal that I kept the first year after Bob died, and I was thinking about how far I’ve come, how I am able to live again.  I was feeling pretty proud of myself.  Then tonite, for the first time in a long time,  I call Rick “Bobbers”…”What did you just say?” he asks me……I’m mortified, my eyes instantly fill with tears.  Rick is so sweet about it.  He tells me that to him, it’s actually a compliment, he’s happy that my love for him would be so strong that my sub-consious would blurt out “Bobbers” when I’m talking to him.  He’s flattered. …….this gives me some small amusement to mix with my embarrassment, and I’m left shaking my head. He is so sweet to me.

Here is an entry from my journal, a handwritten one, I had not found out about blogging yet, dated Jan 27th of 2004, coming up on the first anniversary of Bob’s death……I was so full of dread.

Countdown to February 11th…..

I feel like I have bleach in my stomach.  Could it really be a year already?

I’m thinking about “Gone with the Wind”, and how Scarlett couldn’t wait to take off her black mourning clothes after one year…………I would wear them longer……I wish our society still had a way of letting people know you are “grieving”.  I wish we could still wear black.  Maybe an armband or something to mark us.  Then people would be more understanding when I’m confused, sad or scattered……They would show a little patience when I stand there dumbly, trying to remember what I’m suppossed to be doing.  They wouldn’t stare at me when I’m crying in my car.  Wouldn’t try to fix me up with their uncle or take me to a bar…….Thats just not who I am right now, or what I want to do…….

I want to be still…

It’s good for me to cry, it’s good for me to feel this awful pain for him.  He deserves my sadness………so I let the memories wash over me.  How do you say goodbye to someone who is part of you?  Someone who’s absence makes it hard for you to breathe? 

Someone you can’t live without…….but here you are without them anyways…………Your stupid broken heart doesn’t realize it can make you happy by . just. stopping!……it keeps trying to do it’s job…it doesn’t seem to notice that it has been ripped in two…….Thump, thump, thump….it just keeps going………

But your nerves, oh, they know!  Your pain receptors know, every other part of you knows that you really, really need to just curl up and die.

But your heart……so focused on its own misery…….it doesn’t hear you, it doesn’t listen as you plead and beg with it……..willing it to please just stop.

 

I want to thank you, sweet Richard, for giving my heart a reason to beat again………